Call Us: 423 661-4734 | Email: requests@comeandreason.com      
Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage

Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage

I have a question about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. I was recently divorced without Biblical grounds. I know that Jesus said that the only grounds for divorce were infidelity. The church that I belong to also believes the same way.

My wife after divorcing me left the state and has asked me to not have any contact either with her or her daughter. I was wondering now am I to be a recluse from any relationship or what are my options. I recognize that divorce and separation are a thing of the heart and that I know that neither of us have been unfaithful as far as having any relationship with someone of the other sex. I also see where she has chosen to be faithful to her daughter as we were going to be reconciled and after her daughter came home from academy she sent me a letter saying that all plans for reconciliation were off. I feel that maybe the daughter had some influence on this decision. What are your conclusions and advise?


Thanks for your question. I cannot draw any specific conclusions about your situation, nor give specific advice as to what course you should take. Instead I will outline the Biblical principles involved from which I hope you will glean beneficial insights.

Your struggle is not yours alone. I cannot count the number of people who have come to me with this same question. Multitudes are struggling to find healing in the aftermath of failed marriages and sadly, all too often, rather than finding comfort from their friends, churches and Bibles, they experience fear, condemnation and ridicule. But God is a God of love and He is in the healing, restoring, and saving business – not the condemning business.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son… not… to condemn the world, but to save the world through him” (John 3:16,17).

So, as a starting point in this discussion we find ourselves under the umbrella of God’s love and grace, knowing with confidence God wants to heal our hearts and minds.

You said you were divorced “without Biblical grounds” and that “Jesus said that the only grounds for divorce were infidelity.” How would you define infidelity? It seems from your letter that you have concluded that infidelity is only caused by sexual contact with another person. Is that true? Is that Biblical?

Christian tradition claims that physical sexual relations with someone other than your spouse is what constitutes adultery and this is the only Biblical basis for divorce. While it is true that sex outside the marriage relationship does constitute adultery, it is not true that physical sex is the only way to break the marriage covenant. Those who take this traditional view cite Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:32 as proof for their position:

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:32

If we take the above passage to mean only physical sex, we miss Jesus’ point, for Jesus is teaching unfaithfulness of heart, not just body. It is interesting that those who take the approach that Biblical grounds for divorce is only physical sex ignore what Jesus said just four verses prior:

You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27,28

According to Jesus’ standard, does someone have to engage in physical sexual relations to commit adultery, to be unfaithful? What is the issue? It is an issue of the heart; not the body.

When a man and woman marry, committing themselves to love, honor, and cherish each other, forsaking all others until death, do they commit only their genitals to one another? In other words, is genital contact the only way to break such a vow? When we betray our spouse in heart and give our heart to another, we commit adultery and this can take many forms.

Consider a married soldier who steps on a land mine and loses both legs and his genitalia, but survives. During the many months of rehabilitation he falls in love with his nurse. And when he leaves the hospital, instead of going home to his wife, he moves in with his nurse. He loves her with his heart, spends his time, energy, resources and money providing for her. They sleep in the same bed but, because of his injury, he never has physical sex with her. Is he committing adultery?

In the Old Testament, God repeatedly called the rebellious Hebrews an “adulterous” people, why? Hear what God said through Jeremiah:

“Oh, that I had in the desert a lodging place for travelers, so that I might leave my people and go away from them; for they are all adulterers, a crowd of unfaithful people. They make ready their tongue like a bow, to shoot lies; it is not by truth that they triumph in the land. They go from one sin to another; they do not acknowledge me,” declares the Lord. Jeremiah 9:2,3

What does God say adultery is? Unfaithfulness! Notice what the people are doing. They are turning their hearts away from God.

Can unfaithfulness be revealed by sex with another? Absolutely. But is sex with another the only way to reveal unfaithfulness? No. And this is the mistaken idea many cling to when dealing with this issue.

Would a wife who tries to murder her husband be guilty of unfaithfulness? Would this constitute “Biblical” grounds for divorce? Listen to what James says:

For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. For he who said, “Do not commit adultery,” also said, “Do not murder.” If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker. James 2:10,11

Would the person who tries to murder their spouse be a lawbreaker? Is it a different law or the same law as committing sexual adultery? And what is that law?

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. Matthew 22:37-40

Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. Romans 13:10

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right. James 2:8

The law of God is the law of love. Marriage is designed by God to be the place where finite beings enter, as closely as possible, to the perfect love of God.

As God exists in the Triune, perfection of other-centered giving, beneficence and love, so too, God designed humanity to experience this perfect love. The two shall become one, two separate beings united in love through the indwelling of God’s Spirit – a triune perfection of love.

Satan hates this and wants to tear it apart. He wants to destroy the law of love. Divorce occurs when love breaks down, when fear and selfishness dominate in the heart, and when we are more concerned with getting our own way than the welfare of the other. Any spouse whose heart is against their partner, whose heart is closed, hardened and cold, who would exploit, dominate, control, take advantage, and who remains unrepentant, calloused and cruel, regardless of sexual contact, is unfaithful to his or her marriage covenant.

God’s heart is constantly for you, for your welfare and eternal happiness. God wants you to experience the fullness of His love, which includes a healthy, God-blessed marriage. The question would be, do you trust God enough to put your life in His hands and say, “Heal me, restore Your image in me fully. Let me fulfill Your will for my life. Enable me to love as You love. And, if it be Your will that I marry again, prepare me to be ready to meet whomever You have in store for me”?

If you take this humble approach, then I suggest that before pursuing any new relationship that you spend a long time, prayerfully and carefully exploring what happened that led to the end of your marriage. What contributions did you make to its demise? What lessons can you learn? What areas do you need to repent of and change? How can you mature, grow, and advance in God’s grace so that you will become the person God would have you be?

Email me the blog whenever a new one is published.

Donate online, securely via PayPal using your credit or debit card (no PayPal account needed, unless you want to set up a monthly, recurring payment).


cancel recurring payment

 

Want to use zelle instead?
See how on our
Support and Donations page.

Upcoming Events

calendar

Testimonial Post Slider

Testimony 1

Thank you! I love listening to the Come And Reason Ministries Bible study classes and am using some of your notes to get the lessons together that I will be teaching. You always have such good quotes and Bible texts and pull things together to make good sense.

T. C., IN, USA

 

Testimony 41

I have been blessed by your ministry. I have experienced personally, and deeply resonate with, the God of love and the beautiful picture of God’s character that you present. I have seen your seminar series on YouTube, read ‘The Journal of the Watcher’ book, used your mobile app, and also listen/study the bible study lesson with you each week. I concur with many of the thoughts and perspectives that you share. I understand your conclusions on natural laws vs imposed law and the legal/penal substitution (incorrect diagnosis). This makes perfect sense to me.

Bless you for all you do.

Melissa L.

 

Testimony 18

The Healing the Mind DVD set tarted me on a journey that has changed my relationship with our loving God more significantly than any other study, and brought me to your book and Bible study podcasts, which I now listen to daily, thanks to the availability of archived content on your site and on iTunes.

Anonymous

 

Testimony 36

Thank you and may God continue to bless you as you share with others the intricacies of how we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I must share that you have opened a whole new world to me, and I have found tremendous healing through what you have shared in two of your books, “Could It Be This Simple?” and “The God Shaped Brain.” I praise God for what you shared, what I have learned, and how I have grown and healed! My prayer is that My Precious Jesus will be seen by others in the way I live, act, talk, etc. and they may be encouraged to know He is truly a GREAT God of LOVE, desiring that no one should perish! God Bless you in your continued endeavors to present Him as He really is!

Joleen H. GA, USA

 

Testimony 44

We were given a gift of the DVD set, “God and Your Brain,” and we just finished watching it. The truths in this are so powerful and truly an answer to a prayer. We’re seeing hope where once we thought God wasn’t answering our prayers to be free of certain mindsets. He answered with these DVDs and we are hungry for more. Thank you!

Daniel T., Easley, SC, USA

 

Testimony 7

Ok, so last night I listened to “The Law of Liberty” and “How to Achieve Victory: Freedom, Truth and Spirtual Warfare.” These are both MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITES so far! The logic is just soooooo beautiful. I had to re-listen to them a couple of times. I just want to EXPLODE! (<< we assume with joy and happiness)

N. B., Canada

 

Testimony 46

Over the past couple of years God has been expanding my view of Himself and His character. Along my approximately 40-year journey, I have often had questions, but was hesitant to voice these and step outside the traditionally accepted thinking, for fear of admitting that I may in fact be eternally lost. In the recesses of my thinking has been the thought – if one blindly accepts (which is widely regarded as “real faith”) and does not question, is this really ‘truth?’ I often find it challenging to grapple with very theological ‘speak,’ but Dr. Jennings has a real gift of explaining spiritual concepts with clear practical examples. The weekly discussions are growing my Christian experience and slowly changing my view of how to live as a child of God in today’s complex world. Finally the whole Old Testament sanctuary teaching moved in my mind from fantasy to reality!

Beverly S., South Africa

 

Testimony 55

I was born [into the church], then I left it for many years. 10 years ago, I came back, but I could not take the hypocrisy and the lack of answers to the missing pieces. I struggled, but I did not abandon my commitment to know the truth. God is leading me to the simple understanding of his relevance and I am relearning what the church taught me as a youth… that he loves me, that he has led me to a knowledge of him such as I have never known. He is using Dr. Jennings to connect the dots that are now so apparent and hiding in plain sight!

Dean P., Arlington, TX, USA

 

Testimony 66

I am incredibly grateful for the transformative impact you’ve had on my life, and words cannot fully express my appreciation. Over the years, I have been an avid listener and follower of C&R and extend my heartfelt thanks for creating the C&R mobile app. It has allowed me to immerse myself in your lessons repeatedly, enabling me to grasp the profound significance about the Character of God, Design Law, the protocols for life, the reasons behind the current chaos, and Christ’s mission to restore everything. They have deeply touched me. Having studied with various churches, I came away with the perception that God is no different from the deities of ancient Greek or Roman mythology—demanding sacrifices and taking pleasure in bloodshed. Thanks to your transformative teachings, I have experienced a profound awakening to the true nature of God and the immense power of His love. It is truly a remarkable and liberating sensation to finally grasp the truth and embrace the empowering nature of God’s laws. My self-perception has become brighter and more infused with love. My journey of growth continues on a daily basis.

Chris P., Lake Mary, FL, USA

 

Testimony 38

Since November 2015, when I started studying Gods word from this God Is Love point of view, my life has been transformed. My troubled marriage of 15 years has been healed and my husband and I are truly happy for the first time in 15 years. Now When I read the word of God I understand it so much better and I can’t help but see Gods love radiating through the pages to humanity. Gods word is living and active and I am blessed beyond measure to be having this amazing experience. God has given me a beautiful understanding of Jn 3:16 that amazes me more and more each day. Thank you again for your ministry.

Helen D., London, England

 

Testimony 32

The message [of Come And Reason Ministries is] for all Christians (and those who may become Christians) and not just Adventists or any other group. It is difficult to imagine why any [anyone] with intellectual and spiritual honesty could find fault with the way you explained the healing substitution concepts and the truth about God’s character, though I know some will reject and criticize. On behalf of those in our group near Tacoma, WA, thank you and your staff for all of the hard work and for sharing the Gospel in this manner. God’s message of healing love will be carried to the whole world and then Jesus will come – He promised it.

Terry U., Tacoma, WA, USA

 

Testimony 61

I grew up in a prominent protestant church and had what I like to call religious anxiety. I’ve always had questions about God and Salvation that no one could seem to answer.  I didn’t know how to find resolution. During 2020, at the height of my anxiety, I fell to my knees and begged God to show me truth and light and to give me the hope that I’ve been longing for. Days later, I stumbled upon your online videos and it was like a veil was lifted and EVERYTHING made sense! For the first time in my almost 39 years of life, my religious/spiritual anxiety has lessened. I feel a sense of freedom and peace I’ve NEVER had before… and it’s all because my view of God has changed. Thank you!

Ashleighn C.

 

Testimony 50

After coming into contact with Come And Reason Ministries, I can finally say that many of my unanswered questions have fallen into place. I discovered that my view of God’s Law was “imposed laws and rules” with “imposed punishments” and that this was the major culprit of my many unanswered questions. Thanks be to God for using you and those around you to help us who have struggled with this “infection” of thought. I have now rejected the “imposed law” concept to fully embrace “Design Law”… to look thru “Design Law,” instead of “imposed law,” is a relief.

Viliami L., Australia

 

Testimony 73

I have been truly blessed by your blogs and other resources. They have helped me to see things in a much brighter light and to reason things out better. Thank you so much for your ministry. Whenever I have the opportunity I pass along your material to my friends.

R. Noseworthy, Newfoundland, Canada

Testimony 25

I just want to say thank you so much for your conversations via YouTube. I regularly tune in to your lectures, “Let’s Talk” sessions, and many others. Through these I’ve found greater depth and meaning to God’s word. Thanks for all that you do and please continue. I’m currently working in the middle of Silicon Valley at Stanford University. I feel like God really has me in the right place right now and I’m sensing that your teachings might be part of it.

B. F., Silicon Valley, CA, USA