Call Us: 423 661-4734 | Email: requests@comeandreason.com      
How to Disagree and Remain Friends

How to Disagree and Remain Friends

The three supreme principles of God’s kingdom are truth, love, and freedom. Let’s examine how to apply these principles in our relationships to maintain friendships even when we disagree.

Truth:

The first application of truth is to be honest with yourself on whether someone is an actual friend or merely a friendly acquaintance. This may sound simple, but in practice it is not. Many people believe falsely that someone is their friend when they are merely friendly. Our social media world has magnified this confusion by “friending” others or by counting how many “friends” one has. Not all social media “friends” are actual friends. If we fail to recognize this difference, we create false expectations in both our interactions with them and their treatment of us, which can be a minefield of miscommunication, misunderstanding, hurt feelings, conflict, and argument. So, thoughtfully and truthfully review who is a real friend and who is merely a friendly acquaintance.

Then, once you have separated out the friendly acquaintances from your real friends, another truth will come to light—with real friends, the person is more important to us than the argument! With real friends, each person knows that the other one genuinely cares about them and, in such a relationship, differing viewpoints are not only tolerated, but they are also appreciated! Different perspectives add to the richness of life, challenge us, create opportunities for growth, but more than this, those perspectives share aspects of our friends with us and, as we come to understand our friend’s views, we come to understand and know them better. Under the umbrella of love and affection, we can have intense debate and disagreement that can even be blunt, direct, and passionate because both parties know they are loved and valued and every exchange works to bring them closer. Such “disagreements” on ideas, concepts, and perspectives may remain while each friend continues to value the other person.

Problems can arise when we lose focus on love for the person and make the idea, concept, perspective, or argument more important than the person. This can especially occur when the concept under discussion is one from which we derive a personal sense of safety, security, and comfort. In other words, if the idea being challenged would make us feel that something is wrong with us, cause us to feel guilt as if we had done wrong, or increase fear and insecurity (this happens a lot in both religious and political discussions), then our own insecurities, fears, and guilt and the need to make ourselves feel better can cause us to interpret the other person’s arguments as an attack against us personally. We can avoid this be stepping back in our own hearts and minds and reaffirming one’s personal value to be a lover of truth. Once we make that a personal priority, we never fear new ideas or perspectives that challenge our current views because we realize we are finite and truth is ever unfolding. The only way we advance is to be willing to have our views challenged, reason through the evidences, and assimilate better views when we are convinced of their worth. True friends are the ones with whom we can safely have our ideas challenged and help us grow!

But when we are not friends, when love does not permeate the relationship, then as disagreement intensifies, we become vulnerable to feeling personally attacked and this can lead to hurt feelings and dislike of the other with subsequent “defriending.”

Love:

With whomever we are dealing, love first seeks to understand before seeking to be understood. This means that when we love, we seek to understand not just the argument, the concept, or the position, but the person themselves. We seek to understand who the person is, what their struggles are, why they hold the position they do. We seek to understand the other person’s capacity and abilities to comprehend and process differing views. And then we let them know we understand and value them as a friend, as a child of God, regardless of the specific issue under discussion.

The more accurately we understand the other person the more efficient we can be in our responses. Our understanding not only of their position, but of their mindset, abilities, and motives gives us insight into whether the best approach is presenting our views or loving silence. Love wisely realizes that not all people are ready to hear every truth. Jesus said to His disciples, “I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear” (John 16:12 NIV84).

So, use your good judgment and determine who is a friend and who is not, and then endeavor to understand the mindset of the other person, what they can handle and what they cannot, and decide what is the best approach—sharing or silence. The mature Christian uses their godly wisdom to discern what to share with whom, always remembering the person is more valuable than the argument. This is the application of love, sharing the truth that love directs to be shared to uplift and benefit another, but withholding truths that love determines another is not ready to handle.

Freedom:

After being truthful with yourself on whether a person is a friend or merely a friendly acquaintance, after lovingly seeking to understand and value the other person and their position, after presenting what love and wisdom directs to be shared, then leave the other person free—free to agree or disagree, to accept or reject your views or ideas. It is only in an atmosphere of freedom that love grows. It is only in an atmosphere of freedom that hearts and minds are genuinely changed. Recognize that new ideas take time to be understood, assimilated, and to replace old ideas. Freedom in your friendships allows each person to be accepted for who they are even if certain ideas or beliefs differ. In other words, the friendship doesn’t hinge on agreement. If we don’t give freedom, our violation of the law of liberty will damage love and instill rebellion in the heart—and the friendship will begin to fracture.

So assess who is a friend and who is not, remember to value them more than the argument, seek to understand them fully, and then love them by sharing what godly wisdom determines is most helpful for you to share—perhaps offering thanks for giving you new insights that have helped some of your views change or lovingly presenting ideas designed to help them grow—and then leave them free to accept your view or not.


Email me the blog whenever a new one is published.

Donate online, securely via PayPal using your credit or debit card (no PayPal account needed, unless you want to set up a monthly, recurring payment).


cancel recurring payment

 

Want to use zelle instead?
See how on our
Support and Donations page.

Upcoming Events

calendar

Testimonial Post Slider

Testimony 24

I wanted to thank you very much for presenting your understanding of God. I’ve always been troubled by this question: Why did Jesus have to die? Since my conversion I understood that The Father & Jesus are one, I did not have issues with that. But was there not any other way to save us than for Jesus to die? I guess I actually had a question about God – if He is so wise, how come He did not find another way? I did not see the real ‘beauty’  in the cross. Only when you explained the picture in the medical context, Jesus providing medicine for my selfishness, have I started to finally ‘see the light’. Thank you so much. Your seminar, “Healing the Mind,” are absolutely marvelous & have shared them with my family and many other people, including colleagues at work. Thanks, thanks, thanks. May God bless you abundantly in your ministry.

M. W., Australia

 

Testimony 21

I am absolutly on fire with the message at Come and Reason! I can’t get enough! I’ve read your book, blog, and articles. I’ve listened to your Bible study podcasts, your radio show, and your series – all excellent! It wasn’t until the past couple of years that I have I like I’m becoming “healthy,” with more to share with others than just beasts and commandments! I used to be a Bible worker and preached when the pastors were gone until I had had enough. I didnt realize at the time what the problem was, but i know now… the message wasn’t properly focused. Now my flame is rekindled. All of your little examples are so perfect in explaining something “complicated” and making it easily understood! Now I’m trying to shape it into a life changing evangelistic series! Thank you!

M.T., USA

 

Testimony 42

I am just writing to say that I have been so blessed by the teachings of Come And Reason Minitries recently. I watched last week’s bible study lesson on Youtube and am thankful that the error in the printed lesson guide you use was pointed out and this week’s study was of equal benefit, if not more so. My understanding of God’s nature has been very confused of late and I am so grateful for clarity in this matter. I have never really fully understood previously how a good God can cause bad things to happen and now I realise that He doesn’t, it’s a natural consequence of sin. May the almighty Father and His Son, our Saviour Jesus Christ, continue to bless your ministry.

Laura P., United Kingdom

 

Testimony 54

I had a lot of pressure, as a pastor’s kid, to conform and be “good.” I was good at being “good.” I thought my life was going along well until it all started falling apart and I could not figure out why! In my search for “why is this happening to me, God?” I came across your book, “Could it be this Simple,” and God started revealing to me the many distortions I held about His character, His principles, and how He has designed His universe to operate. I remember thinking, “Wow, I have had this all backwards.” I was happy and angry all at the same time. Happy to have the light of truth break through the darkness, revealing a wonderful, beautiful way of understanding God and His plan for His children, and angry, because I felt deceived and cheated by the church, my family, and myself!

My heart thrills when I listen to your bible study lessons. Literally I have gone from death to life. It is a journey I look forward to every day, as God reveals areas this distortion affects. Praise GOD! I will ever be grateful to God for this ministry and your cooperation with the Spirit!

Karen S., Portal, AZ, USA

 

Testimony 64

I’ve been reading the bible and walking with Jesus since I was around 16. I’m 42 now. I’ve mostly been alone in my walk although I went to several churches in different denominations. For the past 3 years God has been showing me His character of agape. It’s been a blessing and changed how I view God and my walk with Jesus. About a year ago I came across the power of love and the principles of design law. These teachings changed how I read scripture and have been such a beautiful blessing. I’m very excited and grateful for these truths. We share these truths of agape, design law and the reality of the principles of the two trees in the garden of Eden with people on Facebook and YouTube. People all over are learning to trust God and His agape design law which makes life possible. Thank you for everything you shared with me. May God continue to bless your ministry and lives.

Bradley M., Hinsdale, NY, USA

 

Testimony 17

The blessings of clarity and understanding you and your class inspire me to take from the word of God have impressed upon me so greatly the true, loving character of our Creator. I have found amazing freedom and joy through building a stronger, more intentional relationship with Him. What is new is that this is now a relationship built on love, reverence and respect rather than fear and obligation, and as such my eyes have been slammed OPEN as I am continually impressed by the manifestations of God’s true character in His provisions for fallen man.

T.E.H., Salt Lake City, UT, USA

 

Testimony 33

I was invited over a friend’s house to see the “God and Your Brain” seminar today. I became [a christian] 36 years ago at the age of 19, but have struggled with the concept of God taking His ‘pound of flesh’ out on His Son to be appeased. Wow. Your seminar has been an incredible revelation and breath of reason and fresh air! I have your book, “The God Shaped Brain,” and it is SO eye opening. Finally, after 36 years enlightenment has come! Praise the Good Lord! What can I say, but that the Real Gospel is truly “Good News!” Thank you for your efforts in giving the Gospel a clear sound!

Paul C.,  Springfield, MA, USA

 

Testimony 30

God lead me to your book “The God-Shaped Brain” while I was searching for another book about the brain and then to your interview about your book on HeartWise Ministries [where] I found out about [Come And Reason Ministries]. I’m now devouring the webcasts of your Bible studies. I have been so greatly blessed and I thank God so much for your courage to speak the Truth in love no matter what. Listening to you contrast the two opposing systems (laws) and digging deep to unearth the hidden treasures in the Bible makes me so incredibly happy and I feel very blessed to be part of your Bible Study Group although I live far away. I am just so excited that there is a group of people that is spreading the Truth about the character of God and it saddens me how few realize what our Father in Heaven is really like.

Kessy B., Australia

 

Testimony 55

I was born [into the church], then I left it for many years. 10 years ago, I came back, but I could not take the hypocrisy and the lack of answers to the missing pieces. I struggled, but I did not abandon my commitment to know the truth. God is leading me to the simple understanding of his relevance and I am relearning what the church taught me as a youth… that he loves me, that he has led me to a knowledge of him such as I have never known. He is using Dr. Jennings to connect the dots that are now so apparent and hiding in plain sight!

Dean P., Arlington, TX, USA

 

Testimony 8

Thank you for the ministry you are sharing with us, it is a real blessing to us and especially to my husband and myself! You are encouraging us to think for ourselves and not just to except everything, without thinking it through, with God’s word!

M.K., USA

 

Testimony 62

I would like to express my thanks to the C&R team for creating a platform from which people can learn to trust in God and grow. My life is a witness to the effectiveness of this ministry. Without believing the truth about God as you have shown, I don’t know what my life would be like. I had given up on God helping me with certain sins – it was all useless. Given that the scripture is clear and God is so good, how could I have betrayed him so many times? I was a yo-yo christian; spinning up and down. My faith and enthusiasm was driven by discoveries/threats that prophecy is about to be fulfilled. But when I watched your “Healing the Mind” seminar, it was like a light finally went on. I could see God had no plan to hurt me, the danger came from sin, and that He is working to protect me and strengthen me. Thank you for allowing God to use you. The message God gave C&R saved my life!

Antony N. – Hobart, Australia

 

Testimony 15

I have been sharing Come And Reason Ministries Bible study lessons with several folk. You have such a beautiful view of the plan of salvation. If we had this message preached when I was young, my generation would still all be in church.

H. R., New Zealand

Testimony 58

I have been watching your videos in The Power of Love seminar and I must say these have liberated me and have improved my relationship with the Lord. I am no longer terrified of him as I was before following your teachings.

Thando N., South Africa

 

Testimony 25

I just want to say thank you so much for your conversations via YouTube. I regularly tune in to your lectures, “Let’s Talk” sessions, and many others. Through these I’ve found greater depth and meaning to God’s word. Thanks for all that you do and please continue. I’m currently working in the middle of Silicon Valley at Stanford University. I feel like God really has me in the right place right now and I’m sensing that your teachings might be part of it.

B. F., Silicon Valley, CA, USA

 

Testimony 31

It was very touching to hear the testimony of your class share how viewing God’s true character has changed their lives. My feelings are the same – there is so much freedom in knowing that God LOVES me – regardless of my… just, REGARDLESS! I’m still blown away by the true gospel, the fact that God is not ready to strike us when we fail. He is not arbitrary. He simply loves us and warns of the natural consequences because He can’t stand to see us suffer. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS GOD!!!

Ceil V.,  UT, USA