Call Us: 423 661-4734 | Email: requests@comeandreason.com      
How to Disagree and Remain Friends

How to Disagree and Remain Friends

The three supreme principles of God’s kingdom are truth, love, and freedom. Let’s examine how to apply these principles in our relationships to maintain friendships even when we disagree.

Truth:

The first application of truth is to be honest with yourself on whether someone is an actual friend or merely a friendly acquaintance. This may sound simple, but in practice it is not. Many people believe falsely that someone is their friend when they are merely friendly. Our social media world has magnified this confusion by “friending” others or by counting how many “friends” one has. Not all social media “friends” are actual friends. If we fail to recognize this difference, we create false expectations in both our interactions with them and their treatment of us, which can be a minefield of miscommunication, misunderstanding, hurt feelings, conflict, and argument. So, thoughtfully and truthfully review who is a real friend and who is merely a friendly acquaintance.

Then, once you have separated out the friendly acquaintances from your real friends, another truth will come to light—with real friends, the person is more important to us than the argument! With real friends, each person knows that the other one genuinely cares about them and, in such a relationship, differing viewpoints are not only tolerated, but they are also appreciated! Different perspectives add to the richness of life, challenge us, create opportunities for growth, but more than this, those perspectives share aspects of our friends with us and, as we come to understand our friend’s views, we come to understand and know them better. Under the umbrella of love and affection, we can have intense debate and disagreement that can even be blunt, direct, and passionate because both parties know they are loved and valued and every exchange works to bring them closer. Such “disagreements” on ideas, concepts, and perspectives may remain while each friend continues to value the other person.

Problems can arise when we lose focus on love for the person and make the idea, concept, perspective, or argument more important than the person. This can especially occur when the concept under discussion is one from which we derive a personal sense of safety, security, and comfort. In other words, if the idea being challenged would make us feel that something is wrong with us, cause us to feel guilt as if we had done wrong, or increase fear and insecurity (this happens a lot in both religious and political discussions), then our own insecurities, fears, and guilt and the need to make ourselves feel better can cause us to interpret the other person’s arguments as an attack against us personally. We can avoid this be stepping back in our own hearts and minds and reaffirming one’s personal value to be a lover of truth. Once we make that a personal priority, we never fear new ideas or perspectives that challenge our current views because we realize we are finite and truth is ever unfolding. The only way we advance is to be willing to have our views challenged, reason through the evidences, and assimilate better views when we are convinced of their worth. True friends are the ones with whom we can safely have our ideas challenged and help us grow!

But when we are not friends, when love does not permeate the relationship, then as disagreement intensifies, we become vulnerable to feeling personally attacked and this can lead to hurt feelings and dislike of the other with subsequent “defriending.”

Love:

With whomever we are dealing, love first seeks to understand before seeking to be understood. This means that when we love, we seek to understand not just the argument, the concept, or the position, but the person themselves. We seek to understand who the person is, what their struggles are, why they hold the position they do. We seek to understand the other person’s capacity and abilities to comprehend and process differing views. And then we let them know we understand and value them as a friend, as a child of God, regardless of the specific issue under discussion.

The more accurately we understand the other person the more efficient we can be in our responses. Our understanding not only of their position, but of their mindset, abilities, and motives gives us insight into whether the best approach is presenting our views or loving silence. Love wisely realizes that not all people are ready to hear every truth. Jesus said to His disciples, “I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear” (John 16:12 NIV84).

So, use your good judgment and determine who is a friend and who is not, and then endeavor to understand the mindset of the other person, what they can handle and what they cannot, and decide what is the best approach—sharing or silence. The mature Christian uses their godly wisdom to discern what to share with whom, always remembering the person is more valuable than the argument. This is the application of love, sharing the truth that love directs to be shared to uplift and benefit another, but withholding truths that love determines another is not ready to handle.

Freedom:

After being truthful with yourself on whether a person is a friend or merely a friendly acquaintance, after lovingly seeking to understand and value the other person and their position, after presenting what love and wisdom directs to be shared, then leave the other person free—free to agree or disagree, to accept or reject your views or ideas. It is only in an atmosphere of freedom that love grows. It is only in an atmosphere of freedom that hearts and minds are genuinely changed. Recognize that new ideas take time to be understood, assimilated, and to replace old ideas. Freedom in your friendships allows each person to be accepted for who they are even if certain ideas or beliefs differ. In other words, the friendship doesn’t hinge on agreement. If we don’t give freedom, our violation of the law of liberty will damage love and instill rebellion in the heart—and the friendship will begin to fracture.

So assess who is a friend and who is not, remember to value them more than the argument, seek to understand them fully, and then love them by sharing what godly wisdom determines is most helpful for you to share—perhaps offering thanks for giving you new insights that have helped some of your views change or lovingly presenting ideas designed to help them grow—and then leave them free to accept your view or not.


Email me the blog whenever a new one is published.

Donate online, securely via PayPal using your credit or debit card (no PayPal account needed, unless you want to set up a monthly, recurring payment).


cancel recurring payment

 

Want to use zelle instead?
See how on our
Support and Donations page.

Upcoming Events

calendar

Testimonial Post Slider

Testimony 19

I truly believe that to know who God really is the first step to understand ourselves in a balanced and kind way, so the healing can take place. Your approach really makes sense – Thank you for your ministry!

A.M., Pittsburg, PA, USA

Testimony 63

I’ve been very blessed by “The God Shaped Brain” and this ministry, through video and podcast, over the last few years. It’s truly opened up my eyes more to the truth about God and the importance of that truth in the present world. The message is so inviting, freeing and enlightening and MORE people need to know about it. I believe it is the last message that can truly, not only prepare a people for salvation and translation, but vindicate the character of God.

Michael V., Yonkers, NY, USA

 

Testimony 58

I have been watching your videos in The Power of Love seminar and I must say these have liberated me and have improved my relationship with the Lord. I am no longer terrified of him as I was before following your teachings.

Thando N., South Africa

 

Testimony 70

I have been watching you for many years and have learned to love God with all my heart. I was raised by a loving Christian mother that had been lied to about who God really was, so our religious upbringing was hell fire and damnation. As soon as I was old enough and moved out, I not only left the church, I ran as fast as I could to get away from it. Sad to say, it wasn’t until the past couple of years that I learned and understand who my Father really is and how much He loves me. I understand God’s Design Laws (which make sense) and when I’m teaching my church Bible study class, I’m able to really put to use the things I’ve been learning and Holy Spirit is leading. Thank you for introducing me to my Father of true, pure love. Everyday with Him is new and exciting. One thing that breaks my heart is that I didn’t know Him sooner. God Bless you and your ministry!

Judy Phelps, Reno, NV, USA

Testimony 31

It was very touching to hear the testimony of your class share how viewing God’s true character has changed their lives. My feelings are the same – there is so much freedom in knowing that God LOVES me – regardless of my… just, REGARDLESS! I’m still blown away by the true gospel, the fact that God is not ready to strike us when we fail. He is not arbitrary. He simply loves us and warns of the natural consequences because He can’t stand to see us suffer. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS GOD!!!

Ceil V.,  UT, USA

 

Testimony 12

I have been really blessed reading your response to the various questions on your site.

K.C., OH, USA

 

Testimony 20

I just wanted to personally thank you for your teachings and insight into scripture. I came across your website via my cousin who suggested I look into “Healing the Mind” information. My youngest daughter has been struggling over the last couple of years and it all came to a head this spring. When I started listening to the “Healing the Mind” lectures my own life began to be transformed. I began sharing with all my daughters the concepts you laid out so clearly. I ordered your book and soaked it up. I just want to say “Thank You!” My walk with the Lord has been refreshed and renewed. Your obedience to the Lord is a blessing to so many.

R. K., Anderson, SC, USA

 

Testimony 68

Your message of design law vs imperial law is so uplifting and makes so much sense- it is a game changer for me. The fact that Jesus’s death is not a big payment by an angry God is , quite frankly, a relief.

Laura G., London, Ontario, Canada

 

Testimony 26

Your teachings about our heavenly Father have changed my life. Thank you sooooooo very very much! I know He’s doing some serious healing in my heart and life and I look forward to each new day to learn something new about Him and to just hear you speak about Him. Thank you, forever.

Nancy S.

 

Testimony 66

I am incredibly grateful for the transformative impact you’ve had on my life, and words cannot fully express my appreciation. Over the years, I have been an avid listener and follower of C&R and extend my heartfelt thanks for creating the C&R mobile app. It has allowed me to immerse myself in your lessons repeatedly, enabling me to grasp the profound significance about the Character of God, Design Law, the protocols for life, the reasons behind the current chaos, and Christ’s mission to restore everything. They have deeply touched me. Having studied with various churches, I came away with the perception that God is no different from the deities of ancient Greek or Roman mythology—demanding sacrifices and taking pleasure in bloodshed. Thanks to your transformative teachings, I have experienced a profound awakening to the true nature of God and the immense power of His love. It is truly a remarkable and liberating sensation to finally grasp the truth and embrace the empowering nature of God’s laws. My self-perception has become brighter and more infused with love. My journey of growth continues on a daily basis.

Chris P., Lake Mary, FL, USA

 

Testimony 32

The message [of Come And Reason Ministries is] for all Christians (and those who may become Christians) and not just Adventists or any other group. It is difficult to imagine why any [anyone] with intellectual and spiritual honesty could find fault with the way you explained the healing substitution concepts and the truth about God’s character, though I know some will reject and criticize. On behalf of those in our group near Tacoma, WA, thank you and your staff for all of the hard work and for sharing the Gospel in this manner. God’s message of healing love will be carried to the whole world and then Jesus will come – He promised it.

Terry U., Tacoma, WA, USA

 

Testimony 62

I would like to express my thanks to the C&R team for creating a platform from which people can learn to trust in God and grow. My life is a witness to the effectiveness of this ministry. Without believing the truth about God as you have shown, I don’t know what my life would be like. I had given up on God helping me with certain sins – it was all useless. Given that the scripture is clear and God is so good, how could I have betrayed him so many times? I was a yo-yo christian; spinning up and down. My faith and enthusiasm was driven by discoveries/threats that prophecy is about to be fulfilled. But when I watched your “Healing the Mind” seminar, it was like a light finally went on. I could see God had no plan to hurt me, the danger came from sin, and that He is working to protect me and strengthen me. Thank you for allowing God to use you. The message God gave C&R saved my life!

Antony N. – Hobart, Australia

 

Testimony 29

Thank you for all of your work to correct misconceptions about God’s character. So many people that my husband and I have talked to seem to be against the natural law construct and view it as “errant” and “dangerous.” Having learned more about it through your blogs and lessons, I don’t really understand why they view it that way, except that it means they have to relearn theology they have known for their entire lives. But I’m so excited to relearn this. For the past few years I have been questioning how I could trust a God who punishes arbitrarily and is full of wrath for those who don’t obey His commands. That view made me afraid to “mess up” or “not be good enough,” even within my relationship with God. I really appreciated the point you bring out about God not wanting us to serve Him because we are afraid, but because we love Him.

Melissa H., IN, USA

 

Testimony 38

Since November 2015, when I started studying Gods word from this God Is Love point of view, my life has been transformed. My troubled marriage of 15 years has been healed and my husband and I are truly happy for the first time in 15 years. Now When I read the word of God I understand it so much better and I can’t help but see Gods love radiating through the pages to humanity. Gods word is living and active and I am blessed beyond measure to be having this amazing experience. God has given me a beautiful understanding of Jn 3:16 that amazes me more and more each day. Thank you again for your ministry.

Helen D., London, England

 

Testimony 34

I was introduced to Come and Reason Ministries by accident, via a passing comment made in a bible study class we were visiting. I checked this website out and my life was changed. The understanding of the truth of God’s character, and how we apply it, is so right. The tricky part is consistently applying which “lens” to look through. As I began to understand, I started sharing the basics of this understanding with a discussion group I was leading and, suddenly, a lot of things started to make sense that never used to. At the same time, I enjoyed an amazing opportunity. I was able to conduct a full bible study at WORK! What an amazing experience! It is such a joy to share the truth about God and to share how it all fits in the war between God and Satan. So many people benefit when we have a correct understanding about how God works and who He really is! Thank you for this transformational understanding. Keep up the good work! God Bless you!

Tony P., CA, USA