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Loneliness: Its Cause and Cure

Loneliness: Its Cause and Cure

Have you ever been lonely? Many of my patients struggle with deep feelings of loneliness. These feelings can be so intense, so uncomfortable, that they become intolerable, and the loneliness spurs people to take all kinds of actions to make the feelings go away. Deep loneliness leads to co-dependent relationships, the willingness to tolerate mistreatment just to avoid rejection; serial relationships, seeking someone to fill the void inside; and various forms of thrill-seeking, pleasure-seeking, and risk-taking just to feel connected.

If you struggle with loneliness, here is a question I ask my patients: Is there a difference between loneliness and being alone? Consider that for just a moment.

Loneliness is not about being by oneself; those who struggle with loneliness will still feel lonely on dates, in groups, with family—because loneliness is about something other than being alone.

Loneliness is a deep longing for something that is missing. It is longing for love, acceptance, validation, being valued; it is a longing to be whole, filled on the inside with contentment and peace. But ultimately, loneliness is a longing for God—for His presence in the life, for Him to occupy the place in our Spirit temple that we were designed for Him to fill.

When Adam and Eve sinned, they broke their intimate connection with God and ran and hid because they were afraid. All human beings since then have also been running, struggling with these feelings of fear, isolation, and loneliness—and we have all sought to fill that void with people or things other than God.

Jesus met a woman at a well who struggled with loneliness. We read about it in John 4:4–26.

Jesus offers this woman a kind of water that if she drank of it, she would never get thirsty again—wow, what kind of water would that be? It wasn’t H2O! It was something else that would quench a deep thirsting in her soul. But what was she thirsting for?

She thinks concretely, only of liquid water, and asks Jesus to give her some, but Jesus directs her to the type of water she really needs. He points her mind to the deep emptiness inside her, to the reservoir in her heart that is empty and that she has tried to fill with something other than the water of life. He tells her to go get her husband, but she replies that she doesn’t have a husband. Jesus affirms her honest answer, saying, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true” (John 4:17, 18 NIV84).

What did Jesus just point out? That she had spent her life seeking to fill a deep longing in her soul—a sense of inadequacy, a loneliness—with one man after another. It hadn’t worked. She still wasn’t filled; she was still empty. She was still thirsty—thirsty for love, to be made whole, to be healed, to have the emptiness in her soul filled. She longed for the water of life that, if she accepted it, if she drank it, if she let Jesus into her heart, then His love would become a well that would overflow from her heart to others. Then, rather than seeking to use others to fill her, validate her, affirm her, make her feel okay about herself, instead of constantly thirsting for affection, she would become what God designed every human being to be: a living wellspring, a geyser of love that bursts forth and overflows to others!

Loneliness is not the same as being by yourself, and it is also not the same as our God-given desire for connection and intimacy. God in Eden, before Adam sinned, said it was not good for Adam to be alone; He created Eve to be Adam’s life partner. We are created as relational beings—to connect, to love, and to be loved. The desire to have someone to be united in love with and to share life with is not the same thing as loneliness.

But if we don’t first drink of the water of life, if we don’t first open the door to our hearts and invite Jesus in, uniting with Him and allowing Him to love us, to fill us, to whisper in our minds, “Well done! You are my good and faithful friend, you bring such joy to my heart. I love you and enjoy being with you every moment of every day”—if we don’t do this, then we will seek people to provide us something they never can; we will seek people to fill the place of God in our hearts. We will seek people to make us whole, to make us feel worth, to value us and validate us. But, until we let Jesus in and unite with Him, we may be in relationship, we may be with people, but we will still be lonely.

No person, no drug, no pleasure-seeking activity can fill the deep emptiness in our souls, because we were built as living temples to be filled by the presence of our living God. Only in union with Him are we complete. Only when He abides within us are we whole. Only when we open the door to our hearts and allow Him in do we find peace; only then does the loneliness go away, for only then are we functioning as God built us to function.

So, if you struggle with loneliness, do the following:

  1. Recognize loneliness is not about being alone; loneliness is about being disconnected from God and longing for the wholeness, validation, love, contentment, and peace that only come from union with Him.
  2. Start out each day (at least 15 minutes) alone with God, meditate on His Word, invite Him into your heart. Take Jesus’ hand and ask Him to walk with you to dark places in your heart—those deeply buried memories, hurts, disappointments, and failures that make you feel so inadequate, that incite fear of what others will think, that fuel the loneliness. Ask Jesus what He sees when you were bullied on the playground, when you were mocked, raped, molested, rejected, or when you were so lonely you looked a porn or hooked up for a one-night stand? See the tears in His eyes as He feels your pain, but listen to His tender voice telling you that you are His child, that He loves you, that He will take away your pain and heal your wounds if you let Him. Hear Him when He says you are loved for who you are—His child, not for anything you have done or anything that has happened to you. Let Him fill you with His love and presence. Ask Him to take away the hurts, the pain, the anger, the disappointment and to restore you to who He created you to be—His living temple—a holy place of love bursting forth to others.
  3. Then as your day unfolds, talk to Jesus in your mind, make Him a part of the activities of the day. Share with Him your joys, frustrations, and concerns. In your mind think, “Jesus, thank you for the beautiful cardinal that just landed outside my window,” or, “Jesus, thanks for being with me in this traffic jam and giving me patience; please oversee my day and my schedule. I trust you with how things turn out. Thanks for never leaving me nor forsaking me.”

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Testimony 29

Thank you for all of your work to correct misconceptions about God’s character. So many people that my husband and I have talked to seem to be against the natural law construct and view it as “errant” and “dangerous.” Having learned more about it through your blogs and lessons, I don’t really understand why they view it that way, except that it means they have to relearn theology they have known for their entire lives. But I’m so excited to relearn this. For the past few years I have been questioning how I could trust a God who punishes arbitrarily and is full of wrath for those who don’t obey His commands. That view made me afraid to “mess up” or “not be good enough,” even within my relationship with God. I really appreciated the point you bring out about God not wanting us to serve Him because we are afraid, but because we love Him.

Melissa H., IN, USA

 

Testimony 30

God lead me to your book “The God-Shaped Brain” while I was searching for another book about the brain and then to your interview about your book on HeartWise Ministries [where] I found out about [Come And Reason Ministries]. I’m now devouring the webcasts of your Bible studies. I have been so greatly blessed and I thank God so much for your courage to speak the Truth in love no matter what. Listening to you contrast the two opposing systems (laws) and digging deep to unearth the hidden treasures in the Bible makes me so incredibly happy and I feel very blessed to be part of your Bible Study Group although I live far away. I am just so excited that there is a group of people that is spreading the Truth about the character of God and it saddens me how few realize what our Father in Heaven is really like.

Kessy B., Australia

 

Testimony 31

It was very touching to hear the testimony of your class share how viewing God’s true character has changed their lives. My feelings are the same – there is so much freedom in knowing that God LOVES me – regardless of my… just, REGARDLESS! I’m still blown away by the true gospel, the fact that God is not ready to strike us when we fail. He is not arbitrary. He simply loves us and warns of the natural consequences because He can’t stand to see us suffer. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS GOD!!!

Ceil V.,  UT, USA

 

Testimony 3

My husband is a pastor and I listen to your lesson almost every week. Thank you for helping me in my study life and to help me love the “real” God more.

C. F., NC, USA

 

Testimony 48

I just want to tell you how blessed I have been reading “The Remedy!” It has become a daily part of my devotional relationship with God. In it I have found a God of love and a God that loves me! The bible has come alive for me! It is the first time that I can say that I have felt hope fill my heart as I have read God’s word. This is good news I can share! Thank you, Dr Jennings! Thank you for your heart for others. I can’t put into words how this has set me free! It has strengthened my trust and love for God.

Jason H.

 

Testimony 34

I was introduced to Come and Reason Ministries by accident, via a passing comment made in a bible study class we were visiting. I checked this website out and my life was changed. The understanding of the truth of God’s character, and how we apply it, is so right. The tricky part is consistently applying which “lens” to look through. As I began to understand, I started sharing the basics of this understanding with a discussion group I was leading and, suddenly, a lot of things started to make sense that never used to. At the same time, I enjoyed an amazing opportunity. I was able to conduct a full bible study at WORK! What an amazing experience! It is such a joy to share the truth about God and to share how it all fits in the war between God and Satan. So many people benefit when we have a correct understanding about how God works and who He really is! Thank you for this transformational understanding. Keep up the good work! God Bless you!

Tony P., CA, USA

 

Testimony 32

The message [of Come And Reason Ministries is] for all Christians (and those who may become Christians) and not just Adventists or any other group. It is difficult to imagine why any [anyone] with intellectual and spiritual honesty could find fault with the way you explained the healing substitution concepts and the truth about God’s character, though I know some will reject and criticize. On behalf of those in our group near Tacoma, WA, thank you and your staff for all of the hard work and for sharing the Gospel in this manner. God’s message of healing love will be carried to the whole world and then Jesus will come – He promised it.

Terry U., Tacoma, WA, USA

 

Testimony 63

I’ve been very blessed by “The God Shaped Brain” and this ministry, through video and podcast, over the last few years. It’s truly opened up my eyes more to the truth about God and the importance of that truth in the present world. The message is so inviting, freeing and enlightening and MORE people need to know about it. I believe it is the last message that can truly, not only prepare a people for salvation and translation, but vindicate the character of God.

Michael V., Yonkers, NY, USA

 

Testimony 13

I borrowed “Healing The Mind” DVDs from a friend and showed them at my home for a small gathering of women friends. Neither of my friends are Adventist, but they both enjoyed and embraced the messages you taught. In fact, one of the ladies prayed out loud in our group and that was the first time she had ever had public prayer.

J.B. ,Dalles, OR, USA

 

Testimony 37

Hearing Dr. Jennings’ presentations in person came at a pivotal moment in my spiritual journey that began about nine months ago, when the fault lines inherent in my belief system began to crack under questions that most reasonable people end up asking about God and His nature. These were questions I couldn’t find answers to, and they shook my faith. I was unable let it go any longer and be satisfied. My Christian experience became distant. I was afraid; the fear in me rose like thorns, pushing me away from Jesus. And then someone heard my questions and introduced me to this ministry, and my life has totally changed.

I can tell you that this new, “present truth” message is far grander and life-changing than when I shifted from being an agnostic and then a nominal Christian. It has radically altered my worldview, because it reveals a God that makes sense. It is a revolution. I believe that Dr. Jennings’ message is the final message that must go to the world. If any message could be called “righteousness by faith,” as abused as that term is by the right and the left, this is that message, because Jennings’ biblical message identifies a God who is different, whose character isn’t an impossible contradiction.

I walk this path now without fear. I see people differently, and the Holy Spirit burns in my heart. Many call Dr. Jennings’ message false and compromising, but it isn’t false, because I’ve seen the fruits within my mind and body. It is not compromising, because in this message is the only road to holiness that makes any sense. No longer do I behold a pagan god who is always angry and suspicious. Instead, I behold a God who is freeing and loving, always working for our good, and giving me every reason to love my enemy even to my own death, just as Jesus pleads with us. God is good.

Anthony L., CA, USA

 

Testimony 26

Your teachings about our heavenly Father have changed my life. Thank you sooooooo very very much! I know He’s doing some serious healing in my heart and life and I look forward to each new day to learn something new about Him and to just hear you speak about Him. Thank you, forever.

Nancy S.

 

Testimony 41

I have been blessed by your ministry. I have experienced personally, and deeply resonate with, the God of love and the beautiful picture of God’s character that you present. I have seen your seminar series on YouTube, read ‘The Journal of the Watcher’ book, used your mobile app, and also listen/study the bible study lesson with you each week. I concur with many of the thoughts and perspectives that you share. I understand your conclusions on natural laws vs imposed law and the legal/penal substitution (incorrect diagnosis). This makes perfect sense to me.

Bless you for all you do.

Melissa L.

 

Testimony 60

Just watched watched lesson 10 in the 1st quarter 2021 bible study classs on Isaiah. I want to thank you for your intellectual spirituality; it’s not an oxymoron! From the point of view of a teacher I also enjoy seeing how much personal pleasure you clearly take in not just tasting, but feasting on God’s word – it reminds me of Jeremiah not being able to hold it in! It makes me smile that your cup is so full and overflowing that you make it to Tuesday’s lesson (on a good day). It just goes to show the richness of God’s Word.

God bless the Come and Reason Team from our church here in Great Britain.

Andrew H., Great Britain

 

Testimony 73

I have been truly blessed by your blogs and other resources. They have helped me to see things in a much brighter light and to reason things out better. Thank you so much for your ministry. Whenever I have the opportunity I pass along your material to my friends.

R. Noseworthy, Newfoundland, Canada

Testimony 17

The blessings of clarity and understanding you and your class inspire me to take from the word of God have impressed upon me so greatly the true, loving character of our Creator. I have found amazing freedom and joy through building a stronger, more intentional relationship with Him. What is new is that this is now a relationship built on love, reverence and respect rather than fear and obligation, and as such my eyes have been slammed OPEN as I am continually impressed by the manifestations of God’s true character in His provisions for fallen man.

T.E.H., Salt Lake City, UT, USA