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Forgiving Self – Why Is It So Hard?

Forgiving Self – Why Is It So Hard?

Hello, I am from Malawi but live in the UK. I have been following your class for about a year now. I must say I am impressed with how your ministry has grown… you have taught me how to forgive myself. This has set me free indeed… [but my] question is “Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?”

Can you please help me shed light on this? Thank you and God Bless

TB


Thanks for your feedback and letting us know the positive impact the ministry is making in your life. You have asked a profound question regarding forgiveness, one which troubles many people. Forgiveness can have two basic connotations: legal pardon, or cleansing and restoration. Modern society almost always means the first, whereas the Bible usually means the second.

One of the most common reasons people have a hard time “forgiving” themselves is because they seek to “pardon” themselves without experiencing actual transformation of character. Thus, while a particular act may be regretted, the consequences unpleasant, and the outcome lamented, the motive of the heart that led to the act, (fear and selfishness) is not replaced with godly motives of love and peace.

In my Book Could It Be This Simple? A Biblical Model for Healing the Mind I describe this in the chapter on guilt resolution, under a subtitle “Illegitimate Guilt Type III”

Sarah was distraught from years of unremitting guilt. For seven years the memories of an adulterous relationship had tormented her. Although she knew the affair was wrong, she couldn’t seem to resist her attraction to the other man. But immediately after breaking her marital vows, she found herself overcome with guilt and plagued with self-loathing. As a result she confessed her sin to God and to her husband. She repented and her husband forgave her, and she determined never to stray again. Yet during the seven years since the affair she had experienced constant guilt and recurring memories of the incident. Despite repeated hours on her knees confessing to God and begging His forgiveness, her guilt never seemed to go away, and she didn’t know why. Soon she wondered whether she was beyond salvation.

If repentance and restoration resolve appropriate guilt, and Sarah had repented and reconciled with her husband, then why didn’t the guilt go away? Because, even though she felt sorrow for her affair, the way her mind operated had not changed. The mental process that had led to the affair still lingered in her ways of thinking.

Remember in chapters 2 and 3 we explored the organizational model of the mind. We discovered that reason and conscience constitute our judgment and are to direct the will in making healthy choices. Also we learned that our feelings can lead us astray or tempt us. Now consider the mental process of those choosing to commit adultery. Do they use their reason and conscience, weigh the evidence, pray for wisdom and guidance, and with a clear conscience make an enlightened decision to commit adultery? Or do they experience strong feelings of arousal and ignore their reason and conscience?

Now what happens when the same process occurs on a different issue? One day at the office a coworker asked Sarah to borrow her car. Immediately Sarah reasoned through the facts that her insurance permitted no other drivers and that the person making the request had been in several car accidents recently and concluded, in her judgment, no! But then feelings of fear and insecurity overwhelmed her. I don’t want her to be angry. I want her to like me. I don’t want her to start rumors about me. And I hate confrontation. So based on all her feelings she ignored her own judgment and let the coworker borrow the car.

Here we find her mind operating in the exact same way it did when she committed adultery. She feels guilt for not choosing to do what her judgment decided was best. Failing to understand how God designed her mind to work and with the issue of loaning her car not being a moral issue, Sarah was impaired in her ability to identify the source of her guilt. Rather than experience guilt for letting a coworker drive her car, her mind regurgitates the most egregious example of her letting feelings trump judgment and she again re-experiences guilt for the extra-marital affair. Thus for the past seven years each time she allowed feelings to overrule judgment, she again went through guilt for the affair, which caused her to once more repent of it. Because she had not dealt with the way her mind operated, she never experiences peace or a real sense of forgiveness. It is only by putting our minds back in balance that they can heal.

A true heart change is not merely avoiding a specific act or sin, it is actually having a change in motive such that we do what is right because it is right, and no longer base our decisions on fear and selfishness. If we avoid just an act, but continue to operate upon the same motives, then we often struggle with ongoing guilt because we “know” on some level that something is still “wrong” in our inmost being. But when we experience genuine change of heart motive and orient our faculties to work as God designed then we experience genuine peace with God and with self.

This is perhaps the most common reason, but there are some other reasons explored in my book under illegitimate guilt types I and II.

One final thought that contributes to this problem is the idea one holds regarding God’s character, government and justice. If one believes God is a being who operates like a Roman emperor, imposing laws, sitting in judgment and then punishing disobedience, this idea contributes to ones own values and believes about right and wrong. Persons holding such ideas about God will often struggle with self-forgiveness as they feel guilt, and believe they deserve to be punished.

The truth about God is necessary to relieve such guilt. When God is seen as the Creator, who constructed his universe to operate in harmony with his own character of love, then we realize God’s law is not imposed, like human laws, but is the construction protocol life is built to operate upon, and deviations are incompatible with life. We then realize God is not judging to punish, but “diagnosing” in order to heal. And that unremedied sin results in pain suffering and death, and God has been working through Christ to heal and restore. We further realize that we were born with a terminal condition, sin (Ps 51:5) that we didn’t choose. Yet, this condition, if unremedied results in symptoms (sins) and ultimately death. Thus, we realize we don’t need to feel guilty for being sinners, because we didn’t choose to be born with this condition. We need to instead ask, are we partaking of the free remedy made available in Christ.

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Testimony 42

I am just writing to say that I have been so blessed by the teachings of Come And Reason Minitries recently. I watched last week’s bible study lesson on Youtube and am thankful that the error in the printed lesson guide you use was pointed out and this week’s study was of equal benefit, if not more so. My understanding of God’s nature has been very confused of late and I am so grateful for clarity in this matter. I have never really fully understood previously how a good God can cause bad things to happen and now I realise that He doesn’t, it’s a natural consequence of sin. May the almighty Father and His Son, our Saviour Jesus Christ, continue to bless your ministry.

Laura P., United Kingdom

 

Testimony 72

I am blown away by the truth that you present. God’s Design Law makes so much sense! You have validated my impression that, if God is love, He would not kill those who don’t want to know him. If God gives us choice, then how can He destroy us if our choice is not to follow him. Thank you for opening my eyes and heart to the pure love of God seen through Jesus. The love I now have for Jesus is deeper and free from condemnation. My heart has been opened to love others as Jesus loves me. May God continue to bless your God-given insight into His word and your ministry. The truth has set me free!

H. Miller, Centereach, NY

Testimony 62

I would like to express my thanks to the C&R team for creating a platform from which people can learn to trust in God and grow. My life is a witness to the effectiveness of this ministry. Without believing the truth about God as you have shown, I don’t know what my life would be like. I had given up on God helping me with certain sins – it was all useless. Given that the scripture is clear and God is so good, how could I have betrayed him so many times? I was a yo-yo christian; spinning up and down. My faith and enthusiasm was driven by discoveries/threats that prophecy is about to be fulfilled. But when I watched your “Healing the Mind” seminar, it was like a light finally went on. I could see God had no plan to hurt me, the danger came from sin, and that He is working to protect me and strengthen me. Thank you for allowing God to use you. The message God gave C&R saved my life!

Antony N. – Hobart, Australia

 

Testimony 58

I have been watching your videos in The Power of Love seminar and I must say these have liberated me and have improved my relationship with the Lord. I am no longer terrified of him as I was before following your teachings.

Thando N., South Africa

 

Testimony 31

It was very touching to hear the testimony of your class share how viewing God’s true character has changed their lives. My feelings are the same – there is so much freedom in knowing that God LOVES me – regardless of my… just, REGARDLESS! I’m still blown away by the true gospel, the fact that God is not ready to strike us when we fail. He is not arbitrary. He simply loves us and warns of the natural consequences because He can’t stand to see us suffer. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS GOD!!!

Ceil V.,  UT, USA

 

Testimony 65

I have been tuning into your weekly study classes for a while now and wanted express my appreciation for the teachings that ha been a huge blessing in opening up the true message of the word. Viewing scripture under an imposed law theory always, without fail, raised more questions, concerns, and conflicting scripture interpretations that were discouraging at the very least. Looking at scripture through the design law lens has brought more truth to light for me personally and an understanding of our Heavenly Father that places Him “above all others,” where I am now more than thrilled to witness and serve Him.  I “stumbled” across this ministry a year or so ago and would only watch a few minutes at a time. But the more I listened and the longer I paid attention, the more my spiritual eyes were opened to the ever present truths of scripture. The comprehension of the great controversy and it’s origin by the lies perpetrated and perpetuated throughout the Bible on the attack of God’s character and government is truly priceless. Keep up the Good Work! Your servanthood is desperately needed in such a time as this!

Jeff D., Reading, MA, USA

 

Testimony 51

I Love This Ministry!!!!!!! I see first hand how this message is desperately needed, how erroneous beliefs about God and His Character negatively affect humanity at every level. I thank God for your ministry, as I was searching on my own and was discovering some of your same beliefs and was blown away when I found your ministry. I know you hear it all the time, but it is truly life changing. May God continue to reveal His Will to you and Bless you!

Eric S., Sanford, FL, USA

 

Testimony 2

I continue to enjoy your lessons every week. The more that I research your conclusions, the more I am convinced that the Holy Spirit has lead you to distill out the essence of human redemption. Thank you for your courageous stand for the truth.

S. G., TX, USA

 

Testimony 43

Two years ago I stumbled upon your book, “Could It Be This Simple,” and then found “The God-Shaped Brain” videos on YouTube, your bible study class, and the ‘Come And Reason’ mobile app. I shared your book with a friend and after nine months of showing love, patience, and kindness this person has been changed by the love of God, too. The same love that healed me, I now express to other women in tangible ways, such as to a Baptist woman with high anxiety and childhood trauma. She was extremely happy and relieved when I shared about the so-called “judgment of God” and burning in hell. She had no desire to serve a God that was so harsh. I have repeated the phrase dozens of times to her. “What we believe has power over us, but we have power over what we believe…”

This message that you are sharing has changed my life. I will continue to serve other women and bring this message of God’s healing love to their lives by sharing your books, YouTube videos, and The Remedy Bible app. Keep up the good work. Don’t be discouraged. God is doing a mighty work in and through this ministry!

Jill L., Midwest, USA

 

Testimony 61

I grew up in a prominent protestant church and had what I like to call religious anxiety. I’ve always had questions about God and Salvation that no one could seem to answer.  I didn’t know how to find resolution. During 2020, at the height of my anxiety, I fell to my knees and begged God to show me truth and light and to give me the hope that I’ve been longing for. Days later, I stumbled upon your online videos and it was like a veil was lifted and EVERYTHING made sense! For the first time in my almost 39 years of life, my religious/spiritual anxiety has lessened. I feel a sense of freedom and peace I’ve NEVER had before… and it’s all because my view of God has changed. Thank you!

Ashleighn C.

 

Testimony 49

I came into the church at 21, but that is as far as it went. I was so confused about what love is. I couldn’t find it in the bible, because I am not a person that can read between the lines. I have no logic. I have read many, many books; trying to figure out the crux of the matter. They were helpful, but something was still missing. I have become very frustrated to the point of crying out to God, “Where can I go?”  I needed some basics.

I found two books, written by Timothy Jennings, MD, to be very helpful. God showed me that I had lived my whole life in fear. I didn’t even see it. Now, I do. God is so good.  I discovered the “The Remedy”  Dr. Jennings new book, “The God-Shaped Heart!” Oh, I was so excited, I purchased them right away.

I can get rid of most of my books, because “The Remedy” brings the Love of God out so clearly, even I can’t miss it. Now, I want to sit and read my Bible. Wow, what a revelation! It is just simply Awesome! I am so grateful to Jehovah Almighty for hearing my prayer for more understanding! I am so encouraged!

Jackie S.

 

Testimony 47

I can’t even begin to thank you and your ministry enough for introducing me to the Truth about a loving and merciful God! I have my daughter and her in-laws to thank for sharing with me “The God-Shaped Brain” as well as your website. I listen to the Bible study class lessons on my daily walk. May God continue to bless your thirst-quenching ministry!

Liz H., Port Angeles, WA, USA

 

 

Testimony 19

I truly believe that to know who God really is the first step to understand ourselves in a balanced and kind way, so the healing can take place. Your approach really makes sense – Thank you for your ministry!

A.M., Pittsburg, PA, USA

Testimony 29

Thank you for all of your work to correct misconceptions about God’s character. So many people that my husband and I have talked to seem to be against the natural law construct and view it as “errant” and “dangerous.” Having learned more about it through your blogs and lessons, I don’t really understand why they view it that way, except that it means they have to relearn theology they have known for their entire lives. But I’m so excited to relearn this. For the past few years I have been questioning how I could trust a God who punishes arbitrarily and is full of wrath for those who don’t obey His commands. That view made me afraid to “mess up” or “not be good enough,” even within my relationship with God. I really appreciated the point you bring out about God not wanting us to serve Him because we are afraid, but because we love Him.

Melissa H., IN, USA

 

Testimony 3

My husband is a pastor and I listen to your lesson almost every week. Thank you for helping me in my study life and to help me love the “real” God more.

C. F., NC, USA