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Forgiving Self – Why Is It So Hard?

Forgiving Self – Why Is It So Hard?

Hello, I am from Malawi but live in the UK. I have been following your class for about a year now. I must say I am impressed with how your ministry has grown… you have taught me how to forgive myself. This has set me free indeed… [but my] question is “Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?”

Can you please help me shed light on this? Thank you and God Bless

TB


Thanks for your feedback and letting us know the positive impact the ministry is making in your life. You have asked a profound question regarding forgiveness, one which troubles many people. Forgiveness can have two basic connotations: legal pardon, or cleansing and restoration. Modern society almost always means the first, whereas the Bible usually means the second.

One of the most common reasons people have a hard time “forgiving” themselves is because they seek to “pardon” themselves without experiencing actual transformation of character. Thus, while a particular act may be regretted, the consequences unpleasant, and the outcome lamented, the motive of the heart that led to the act, (fear and selfishness) is not replaced with godly motives of love and peace.

In my Book Could It Be This Simple? A Biblical Model for Healing the Mind I describe this in the chapter on guilt resolution, under a subtitle “Illegitimate Guilt Type III”

Sarah was distraught from years of unremitting guilt. For seven years the memories of an adulterous relationship had tormented her. Although she knew the affair was wrong, she couldn’t seem to resist her attraction to the other man. But immediately after breaking her marital vows, she found herself overcome with guilt and plagued with self-loathing. As a result she confessed her sin to God and to her husband. She repented and her husband forgave her, and she determined never to stray again. Yet during the seven years since the affair she had experienced constant guilt and recurring memories of the incident. Despite repeated hours on her knees confessing to God and begging His forgiveness, her guilt never seemed to go away, and she didn’t know why. Soon she wondered whether she was beyond salvation.

If repentance and restoration resolve appropriate guilt, and Sarah had repented and reconciled with her husband, then why didn’t the guilt go away? Because, even though she felt sorrow for her affair, the way her mind operated had not changed. The mental process that had led to the affair still lingered in her ways of thinking.

Remember in chapters 2 and 3 we explored the organizational model of the mind. We discovered that reason and conscience constitute our judgment and are to direct the will in making healthy choices. Also we learned that our feelings can lead us astray or tempt us. Now consider the mental process of those choosing to commit adultery. Do they use their reason and conscience, weigh the evidence, pray for wisdom and guidance, and with a clear conscience make an enlightened decision to commit adultery? Or do they experience strong feelings of arousal and ignore their reason and conscience?

Now what happens when the same process occurs on a different issue? One day at the office a coworker asked Sarah to borrow her car. Immediately Sarah reasoned through the facts that her insurance permitted no other drivers and that the person making the request had been in several car accidents recently and concluded, in her judgment, no! But then feelings of fear and insecurity overwhelmed her. I don’t want her to be angry. I want her to like me. I don’t want her to start rumors about me. And I hate confrontation. So based on all her feelings she ignored her own judgment and let the coworker borrow the car.

Here we find her mind operating in the exact same way it did when she committed adultery. She feels guilt for not choosing to do what her judgment decided was best. Failing to understand how God designed her mind to work and with the issue of loaning her car not being a moral issue, Sarah was impaired in her ability to identify the source of her guilt. Rather than experience guilt for letting a coworker drive her car, her mind regurgitates the most egregious example of her letting feelings trump judgment and she again re-experiences guilt for the extra-marital affair. Thus for the past seven years each time she allowed feelings to overrule judgment, she again went through guilt for the affair, which caused her to once more repent of it. Because she had not dealt with the way her mind operated, she never experiences peace or a real sense of forgiveness. It is only by putting our minds back in balance that they can heal.

A true heart change is not merely avoiding a specific act or sin, it is actually having a change in motive such that we do what is right because it is right, and no longer base our decisions on fear and selfishness. If we avoid just an act, but continue to operate upon the same motives, then we often struggle with ongoing guilt because we “know” on some level that something is still “wrong” in our inmost being. But when we experience genuine change of heart motive and orient our faculties to work as God designed then we experience genuine peace with God and with self.

This is perhaps the most common reason, but there are some other reasons explored in my book under illegitimate guilt types I and II.

One final thought that contributes to this problem is the idea one holds regarding God’s character, government and justice. If one believes God is a being who operates like a Roman emperor, imposing laws, sitting in judgment and then punishing disobedience, this idea contributes to ones own values and believes about right and wrong. Persons holding such ideas about God will often struggle with self-forgiveness as they feel guilt, and believe they deserve to be punished.

The truth about God is necessary to relieve such guilt. When God is seen as the Creator, who constructed his universe to operate in harmony with his own character of love, then we realize God’s law is not imposed, like human laws, but is the construction protocol life is built to operate upon, and deviations are incompatible with life. We then realize God is not judging to punish, but “diagnosing” in order to heal. And that unremedied sin results in pain suffering and death, and God has been working through Christ to heal and restore. We further realize that we were born with a terminal condition, sin (Ps 51:5) that we didn’t choose. Yet, this condition, if unremedied results in symptoms (sins) and ultimately death. Thus, we realize we don’t need to feel guilty for being sinners, because we didn’t choose to be born with this condition. We need to instead ask, are we partaking of the free remedy made available in Christ.

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Testimony 65

I have been tuning into your weekly study classes for a while now and wanted express my appreciation for the teachings that ha been a huge blessing in opening up the true message of the word. Viewing scripture under an imposed law theory always, without fail, raised more questions, concerns, and conflicting scripture interpretations that were discouraging at the very least. Looking at scripture through the design law lens has brought more truth to light for me personally and an understanding of our Heavenly Father that places Him “above all others,” where I am now more than thrilled to witness and serve Him.  I “stumbled” across this ministry a year or so ago and would only watch a few minutes at a time. But the more I listened and the longer I paid attention, the more my spiritual eyes were opened to the ever present truths of scripture. The comprehension of the great controversy and it’s origin by the lies perpetrated and perpetuated throughout the Bible on the attack of God’s character and government is truly priceless. Keep up the Good Work! Your servanthood is desperately needed in such a time as this!

Jeff D., Reading, MA, USA

 

Testimony 57

You have helped make sense of thirty two years of confusion. The material you freely provide reorganized so much of my life into such a beautiful pattern that has always been hinted at from within, but misguided with my training and what I was experiencing externally. My filipno parents, who were converted from Catholicism to SDA, were sincere and did their best to raise me the right way and I have deep respect for them. However, being immigrants and not understanding the language made for a difficult transition as I was growing up, which also applied to my spiritual growth as I learned the patterns of religion. I have been listening to as many bible study classes and reading blog posts as my time in a work truck will allow, searching for the practical applications of where spirituality and reality meet, and I thank you for helping me find that. You have helped me reach a point in which I can truly say that I love God, that I believe He loves me, and, like David, I delight in His law. God bless.

Emmanuel V., Calgary, AB Canada

Testimony 51

I Love This Ministry!!!!!!! I see first hand how this message is desperately needed, how erroneous beliefs about God and His Character negatively affect humanity at every level. I thank God for your ministry, as I was searching on my own and was discovering some of your same beliefs and was blown away when I found your ministry. I know you hear it all the time, but it is truly life changing. May God continue to reveal His Will to you and Bless you!

Eric S., Sanford, FL, USA

 

Testimony 25

I just want to say thank you so much for your conversations via YouTube. I regularly tune in to your lectures, “Let’s Talk” sessions, and many others. Through these I’ve found greater depth and meaning to God’s word. Thanks for all that you do and please continue. I’m currently working in the middle of Silicon Valley at Stanford University. I feel like God really has me in the right place right now and I’m sensing that your teachings might be part of it.

B. F., Silicon Valley, CA, USA

 

Testimony 43

Two years ago I stumbled upon your book, “Could It Be This Simple,” and then found “The God-Shaped Brain” videos on YouTube, your bible study class, and the ‘Come And Reason’ mobile app. I shared your book with a friend and after nine months of showing love, patience, and kindness this person has been changed by the love of God, too. The same love that healed me, I now express to other women in tangible ways, such as to a Baptist woman with high anxiety and childhood trauma. She was extremely happy and relieved when I shared about the so-called “judgment of God” and burning in hell. She had no desire to serve a God that was so harsh. I have repeated the phrase dozens of times to her. “What we believe has power over us, but we have power over what we believe…”

This message that you are sharing has changed my life. I will continue to serve other women and bring this message of God’s healing love to their lives by sharing your books, YouTube videos, and The Remedy Bible app. Keep up the good work. Don’t be discouraged. God is doing a mighty work in and through this ministry!

Jill L., Midwest, USA

 

Testimony 50

After coming into contact with Come And Reason Ministries, I can finally say that many of my unanswered questions have fallen into place. I discovered that my view of God’s Law was “imposed laws and rules” with “imposed punishments” and that this was the major culprit of my many unanswered questions. Thanks be to God for using you and those around you to help us who have struggled with this “infection” of thought. I have now rejected the “imposed law” concept to fully embrace “Design Law”… to look thru “Design Law,” instead of “imposed law,” is a relief.

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Testimony 15

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H. R., New Zealand

Testimony 44

We were given a gift of the DVD set, “God and Your Brain,” and we just finished watching it. The truths in this are so powerful and truly an answer to a prayer. We’re seeing hope where once we thought God wasn’t answering our prayers to be free of certain mindsets. He answered with these DVDs and we are hungry for more. Thank you!

Daniel T., Easley, SC, USA

 

Testimony 54

I had a lot of pressure, as a pastor’s kid, to conform and be “good.” I was good at being “good.” I thought my life was going along well until it all started falling apart and I could not figure out why! In my search for “why is this happening to me, God?” I came across your book, “Could it be this Simple,” and God started revealing to me the many distortions I held about His character, His principles, and how He has designed His universe to operate. I remember thinking, “Wow, I have had this all backwards.” I was happy and angry all at the same time. Happy to have the light of truth break through the darkness, revealing a wonderful, beautiful way of understanding God and His plan for His children, and angry, because I felt deceived and cheated by the church, my family, and myself!

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Testimony 36

Thank you and may God continue to bless you as you share with others the intricacies of how we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I must share that you have opened a whole new world to me, and I have found tremendous healing through what you have shared in two of your books, “Could It Be This Simple?” and “The God Shaped Brain.” I praise God for what you shared, what I have learned, and how I have grown and healed! My prayer is that My Precious Jesus will be seen by others in the way I live, act, talk, etc. and they may be encouraged to know He is truly a GREAT God of LOVE, desiring that no one should perish! God Bless you in your continued endeavors to present Him as He really is!

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Testimony 55

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Testimony 29

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Melissa H., IN, USA

 

Testimony 64

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Testimony 1

Thank you! I love listening to the Come And Reason Ministries Bible study classes and am using some of your notes to get the lessons together that I will be teaching. You always have such good quotes and Bible texts and pull things together to make good sense.

T. C., IN, USA