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Differentiating Narcissism from Asperger’s (Autism) and How to Deal with Both

Differentiating Narcissism from Asperger’s (Autism) and How to Deal with Both

Over the years, I have received many requests for advice from those seeking wisdom and guidance on dealing with a narcissist.

As a first principle in essentially everything in life, I encourage you to always diagnose accurately; in other words, be sure of the truth, of what you are dealing with. In this case, before attempting to “deal with a narcissist,” reflect, evaluate, and determine whether you are, in fact, dealing with a narcissist.

 

Understanding Narcissism

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a personality structure stemming from deep insecurity and fear—a lack of peace with self and a fear of inadequacy—which is defended against by the maladaptive behaviors diagnostic of the disorder. Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity, inflated self-esteem, preoccupation with thoughts about self and one’s success, an attitude that self is special or better or more deserving than others, a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and a constant need or demand for admiration. While they are usually arrogant and prideful, they are envious of others’ successes. Narcissists are typically exploitive and manipulative of others, seeking to get from others what they want.

Narcissism frequently gets confused with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS). While it has been understood that AS is a high-functioning form of Autism, primarily with retention of normal language ability, the different names communicated an immediate comprehension that those with AS were high functioning with normal language skills. Unfortunately, with the release of the DSM-5 (diagnostic rule book for psychiatry), this helpful nomenclature was eliminated, such that AS is now officially included under the name of all other forms of autism and is labelled simply as Autism Spectrum Disorder. While this is diagnostically accurate, it is not helpful operationally, as this nomenclature does not automatically communicate the higher level of functioning of AS individuals. Therefore, in this article, I will use the old nomenclature of AS to be clear that I am not referring to other forms of autism.

 

Understanding Asperger’s Syndrome

AS is a neurological disorder (not a personality structure problem) in which the brain is unable to process social cues, particularly the emotions of others. Some speculate (and some research suggests this may be true) that AS may be caused by a lack of mirror neurons in the brain. Mirror neurons are understood to be integral in recognizing the emotions of others and allowing us to identify, feel, and empathize with what another person is experiencing. Mirror neurons may play a role in emotional intelligence, what some call EQ, and those with AS, while often having above-average IQ, typically have significant impairments in EQ. It is not that they don’t care about others or the feelings of others; it is that they generally have no actual registration or awareness of the feelings of others.

In other words, the AS individual has a brain that doesn’t process, see, or recognize the emotional and social cues of others and, therefore, will interact in ways that seem rude, uncaring, blunt, and what is perceived to be without compassion or empathy—but this is most often not the case. Rather than not having concern for others, the AS individual doesn’t recognize the emotional discomfort, hurt, distress, or pain of others and, therefore, generally doesn’t respond as others would to those verbal and non-verbal cues. In other words, the AS individual, with a heart focused on doing what is objectively good for another, will speak or act bluntly and directly to address what they believe is necessary to make things better. However, they will not couch their comments with tender, compassionate, or warm expressions. They will not recognize the pain and distress in the eyes of the person they are speaking to when their blunt truth is spoken and, thus, won’t back off or modify. This will result in others experiencing the AS individual as unkind, uncaring, cruel, without empathy, and often conclude falsely that they are narcissistic.

They are like a blind person walking in a crowded room, bumping into things and stepping on toes, but without any malicious intent; in fact, their intent would be not to step on toes if they were aware the toes were there.

Life is often mysterious to the AS individual because they, with good heart motive and intent, focus on doing objective good, fixing problems, improving lives, make choices that are objectively helpful but in such a way that they do not consider the feelings of others and, therefore, people get their feelings hurt and reject the help and often the AS person. This results not only in frustration from the AS person, but often anger, which gets misinterpreted as narcissistic rage, but it is not. It is the normal anger we all feel when our good motives, good intentions, and objectively helpful actions are consistently mislabeled and we are falsely accused of not caring or of doing harm. Why does this happen to the AS individual? Because they don’t care? No, because they don’t have the brain circuits to see and process these elements of relationships.

 

The Core Difference Between AS and Narcissism

This is quite distinct from the narcissist who does see and process emotions but who doesn’t value the other person more than their need to get for self, and, therefore, will act in rude, demeaning, and uncaring ways. But the narcissist can also, because they are aware of the feelings of others, feign concern, compassion, and empathy for the purpose of manipulating in an attempt to exploit others. This becomes evident by the ultimate outcome of what is done, not just by how the person acts in the moment.  

Below is a list of some of the differences often seen between AS and narcissism.

Asperger’s Syndrome. Narcissism.
Doesn’t understand social interaction. Understands social cues & manipulates.
Does not do silent treatment. Uses silent treatment as a weapon.
You can say no. May punish you if you say no.
Does not do guilt trips. Uses guilt trips as a manipulative tool.
Does not sit on the “pity pot.”  Feels sorry for themselves.
Not envious of others’ successes. Envious of others’ successes.
Doesn’t register empathy; not malicious. Lacks empathy; often malicious.
Lacks intuition.   Has intuition and uses it to get what they want.
Not connected to their feelings.   Hyper-connected to their feelings.
Tends to be one-dimensional. Tends to flip into different modes or personalities (Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde).
Does not blame others. Tends to blame others.
Wants a playbook (structure and predictability). Wants chaos and control.
Likes clear boundaries. Does not like clear boundaries.
Triggered by lack of familiarity. Triggered by ego threats.

 

Triggers in AS vs. Narcissism

Both the AS individual and the narcissist can react with anger to rejection, but they do so for different reasons.

The AS individual’s primary focus is on fixing objective problems, solving puzzles, and making things better, and they are often able to think “outside the box.” They think outside the box because they are not constrained by the walls of other people’s emotions and expectations. They are focused on the problem itself, not on how others will feel about solving it. Thus, when they do intervene with a solution that is objectively effective, but in such a way that breaks social norms, doesn’t consider the feelings of others, is perceived as rude, unkind, uncaring because it is blunt, rather than getting the expected praise for such an effective and creative solution to a problem others seemed to struggle to solve, they instead receive criticism and rejection. And this angers them. In their mind, they did good and good should be rewarded; when it is not, life is frustrating, which often results in anger.

So while the AS individual gets angry when their solutions are not appreciated or their puzzle-solving is interfered with, the narcissist gets angry when they are not valued or praised for their “greatness,” no matter the value of their suggestion, action, or merit. For the narcissist, their anger will stem from people not liking them; the AS individual’s anger stems from people not liking their solutions or interfering with their attempts to fix the problem in the most effective way.

 

How to Talk to and Redirect Each Type of Person

Understanding this gives insight into effective ways of interacting with either type of person.

For instance, telling an AS individual that they are valued and appreciated while you criticize the way they solved the problem or seek to remove them from solving the problem in order to deal with it in a less efficient but more socially appropriate manner, will typically be experienced as frustrating and “stupid” and will often result in anger. The AS individual is not seeking attention for self; they are motivated to fix problems.

But the opposite is true for the narcissist. They are not actually seeking to fix problems or make things objectively better; they are primarily engaged in such actions as a means to get attention and praise for self, to show they are better than others. The narcissist is seeking to be valued and appreciated rather than solve a puzzle. Thus, it is often quite effective in calming down and de-escalating a narcissist to express your appreciation for them while you redirect or correct their actions.

For instance, the narcissist generally responds quite positively to something like, “Thank you for taking the time to help with this project. I really appreciate you. I know your time is valuable, and it means a lot to know you are willing to invest yourself in helping out. However, I’d prefer if we did it this way instead.”

But an AS individual would not respond positively to such a statement. In fact, such an intervention, kindly presented with value for who they are while simultaneously seeking to interfere with their solution, would most likely be experienced with frustration and anger—especially if the change to their plans is objectively less effective. The AS individual wouldn’t really notice your attempts to value them because they are not primarily concerned with self and are not seeking social validation to feel good about self. The AS individual is concerned about problem-solving and experiences their validation through their efficiency in fixing things and, therefore, appreciates it when others recognize their great puzzle/problem-solving skill, but gets irritated when others interfere with their actions.

 

Maintain Emotional Objectivity

Once you determine what you are dealing with, AS or narcissism, your success will be directly determined by responding intelligently and objectively and by not reacting emotionally. If you get your feelings hurt by the actions of the other, you will impair your ability to discern and respond in the most effective way. Therefore, allow the other person’s behavior to be evidence of them, not you. Don’t seek to get your value, worth, or sense of wellbeing from them; instead, remember your true value and worth are founded upon your identity in and relationship with Jesus Christ. Always start from this platform.

From this platform of peace with yourself in your identity in Christ, successfully dealing with a narcissist requires setting healthy boundaries. And healthy boundaries are not primarily physical ones but mental and emotional ones, and such healthy boundaries are set upon oneself, not upon others. In other words, we place a boundary upon our own hearts, minds, feelings, expectations, choices, and actions rather than seeking to tell others what they need to do in order to comply with our boundaries.

In other words, we don’t take the accusations, moods, criticisms, or flattery and praise of the narcissist to heart, but we recognize that their actions reveal to us information about them. And then we use that information to make informed choices in governance of ourselves—how much will we trust, how much time will we spend with them, and how much effort will we put in to try to negotiate with them. So rather than saying to the abusive narcissist, “You can’t talk to me like that.” “Oh, no you don’t. That is not acceptable, and you can’t do that.” Instead, inside yourself, you observe and evaluate what the other person’s behavior is telling you about them, and then you decide, in governance of yourself, what you want to do in response.

 

Responding to Manipulation and Bluntness

If you perceive the other person is trying to manipulate you through anger, accusations either of wrongdoing or your not loving or caring for them, crying, expressed disappointment, whatever the manipulation may be, then rather than responding emotionally, respond intelligently with something like: “I am sorry my choice on this matter is distressing you, but I love you enough and respect you enough to allow you to have those feelings if you need to. It’s okay if you are angry right now; we all experience anger at times—just know your anger in this moment won’t cause me to love you less. When you calm down and are ready to discuss why this is so upsetting, I am happy to talk about it with you.” But you don’t back off, placate, or change your choice simply to get them to change their moods. Notice, in this scenario, the boundary set is with oneself, not trying to tell another how they should feel or act.

If dealing with an AS individual who is upset, don’t take their anger personally; instead, remain objective and, understanding that their anger is most often related to either interference with or lack of appreciation for their problem-solving, ask them to explain what has them upset. They will typically be very direct, may seem rude and blunt, but they are not intending to be so, so again, don’t take the bluntness personally, but appreciate them for their directness and honesty, and then focus more on the objectives of the situation rather than the feelings.

 

Consequences and Trials: Opportunities for Growth

Narcissists, like every human, will make honest human mistakes and suffer the consequences, but rather than reflecting on events and seeking to identify where their process led to the problems and then taking responsibility and learning from events, the narcissist will typically deny their shortcomings and blame others. It is important, therefore, when narcissists who are in the valleys of distress that are brought upon themselves by their own choices, that the people who love them do not accept blame and also do not intervene to relieve the distress, but allow them to reap what they have sown and require that the narcissist make choices that are objectively therapeutic toward resolving their own dilemma.

I am not saying we completely abandon the narcissist; I am saying we don’t placate, make excuses, collude with blaming, cover for, or fix what the narcissist is capable of fixing for themselves if they would acknowledge their own mistakes.

To simply comfort, deliver, or validate and encourage at such times will miss opportunities for their growth. It is the trials and difficulties in life that help us build character. As the apostle Paul wrote,

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us (Romans 5:3–5 NIV84).

Remember, no matter with whom we are dealing, each one of us ultimately is only responsible for the governance of ourselves, for being the most healthy, mature, Christlike individuals we can be, not for what others think or feel about us. Our vision and focus must be on Jesus Christ first and foremost, to practice His methods and principles in our lives, and not on what others think about us. Only as we become healthy in Jesus are we able to have healthy relationships and genuine unity with others. As Paul also wrote,

And so we shall all come together to that oneness in our faith and in our knowledge of the Son of God; we shall become mature people, reaching to the very height of Christ’s full stature. Then we shall no longer be children, carried by the waves and blown about by every shifting wind of the teaching of deceitful people, who lead others into error by the tricks they invent. Instead, by speaking the truth in a spirit of love, we must grow up in every way to Christ, who is the head (Ephesians 4:13–15 GNT, emphasis mine).

Don’t be blown about by the waves of emotions, manipulations, and accusations of narcissists, but, keeping your eyes on Christ, speak truth in love and you will find yourself maturing, growing, healing, and experiencing ever-increasing peace and health.

 

 

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Hearing Dr. Jennings’ presentations in person came at a pivotal moment in my spiritual journey that began about nine months ago, when the fault lines inherent in my belief system began to crack under questions that most reasonable people end up asking about God and His nature. These were questions I couldn’t find answers to, and they shook my faith. I was unable let it go any longer and be satisfied. My Christian experience became distant. I was afraid; the fear in me rose like thorns, pushing me away from Jesus. And then someone heard my questions and introduced me to this ministry, and my life has totally changed.

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I had a lot of pressure, as a pastor’s kid, to conform and be “good.” I was good at being “good.” I thought my life was going along well until it all started falling apart and I could not figure out why! In my search for “why is this happening to me, God?” I came across your book, “Could it be this Simple,” and God started revealing to me the many distortions I held about His character, His principles, and how He has designed His universe to operate. I remember thinking, “Wow, I have had this all backwards.” I was happy and angry all at the same time. Happy to have the light of truth break through the darkness, revealing a wonderful, beautiful way of understanding God and His plan for His children, and angry, because I felt deceived and cheated by the church, my family, and myself!

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Karen S., Portal, AZ, USA

 

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Tammy Cinzio, Australia

 

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It was very touching to hear the testimony of your class share how viewing God’s true character has changed their lives. My feelings are the same – there is so much freedom in knowing that God LOVES me – regardless of my… just, REGARDLESS! I’m still blown away by the true gospel, the fact that God is not ready to strike us when we fail. He is not arbitrary. He simply loves us and warns of the natural consequences because He can’t stand to see us suffer. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS GOD!!!

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Two years ago I stumbled upon your book, “Could It Be This Simple,” and then found “The God-Shaped Brain” videos on YouTube, your bible study class, and the ‘Come And Reason’ mobile app. I shared your book with a friend and after nine months of showing love, patience, and kindness this person has been changed by the love of God, too. The same love that healed me, I now express to other women in tangible ways, such as to a Baptist woman with high anxiety and childhood trauma. She was extremely happy and relieved when I shared about the so-called “judgment of God” and burning in hell. She had no desire to serve a God that was so harsh. I have repeated the phrase dozens of times to her. “What we believe has power over us, but we have power over what we believe…”

This message that you are sharing has changed my life. I will continue to serve other women and bring this message of God’s healing love to their lives by sharing your books, YouTube videos, and The Remedy Bible app. Keep up the good work. Don’t be discouraged. God is doing a mighty work in and through this ministry!

Jill L., Midwest, USA

 

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I just wanted to personally thank you for your teachings and insight into scripture. I came across your website via my cousin who suggested I look into “Healing the Mind” information. My youngest daughter has been struggling over the last couple of years and it all came to a head this spring. When I started listening to the “Healing the Mind” lectures my own life began to be transformed. I began sharing with all my daughters the concepts you laid out so clearly. I ordered your book and soaked it up. I just want to say “Thank You!” My walk with the Lord has been refreshed and renewed. Your obedience to the Lord is a blessing to so many.

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Testimony 51

I Love This Ministry!!!!!!! I see first hand how this message is desperately needed, how erroneous beliefs about God and His Character negatively affect humanity at every level. I thank God for your ministry, as I was searching on my own and was discovering some of your same beliefs and was blown away when I found your ministry. I know you hear it all the time, but it is truly life changing. May God continue to reveal His Will to you and Bless you!

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Testimony 55

I was born [into the church], then I left it for many years. 10 years ago, I came back, but I could not take the hypocrisy and the lack of answers to the missing pieces. I struggled, but I did not abandon my commitment to know the truth. God is leading me to the simple understanding of his relevance and I am relearning what the church taught me as a youth… that he loves me, that he has led me to a knowledge of him such as I have never known. He is using Dr. Jennings to connect the dots that are now so apparent and hiding in plain sight!

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I wanted to thank you very much for presenting your understanding of God. I’ve always been troubled by this question: Why did Jesus have to die? Since my conversion I understood that The Father & Jesus are one, I did not have issues with that. But was there not any other way to save us than for Jesus to die? I guess I actually had a question about God – if He is so wise, how come He did not find another way? I did not see the real ‘beauty’  in the cross. Only when you explained the picture in the medical context, Jesus providing medicine for my selfishness, have I started to finally ‘see the light’. Thank you so much. Your seminar, “Healing the Mind,” are absolutely marvelous & have shared them with my family and many other people, including colleagues at work. Thanks, thanks, thanks. May God bless you abundantly in your ministry.

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Testimony 38

Since November 2015, when I started studying Gods word from this God Is Love point of view, my life has been transformed. My troubled marriage of 15 years has been healed and my husband and I are truly happy for the first time in 15 years. Now When I read the word of God I understand it so much better and I can’t help but see Gods love radiating through the pages to humanity. Gods word is living and active and I am blessed beyond measure to be having this amazing experience. God has given me a beautiful understanding of Jn 3:16 that amazes me more and more each day. Thank you again for your ministry.

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