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Top 10 Reasons NOT to Get Married

Top 10 Reasons NOT to Get Married

As a psychiatrist one of the most damaging situations I encounter is an unhealthy, dysfunctional marriage. While there are many factors that contribute to strained and broken marriages, one major problem is failing to find a suitable partner from the outset.

One factor in failing to find a suitable life partner is the reason that motivates one to marry. Over the years I have seen and heard many stories and have compiled my top ten list of reasons NOT to get married, reasons that have motivated people to marry, but which inevitably lead to problems and stress in the marriage. 

Here are my top 10 reasons NOT to get married:

10. Because all your friends are getting married:

This reason usually strikes those in their twenties, when shortly after graduating college they have been to too many weddings, been the brides maid, but never the bride, the groomsman but never the groom. A certain fear begins to rise within the mind, a fear of being alone, of never finding their “soul mate.” With this anxiety, fear, insecurity, they begin an almost desperate search for someone, and when a person comes along, who shows interest in them, even if not possessing the qualities they know are necessary, (like a common faith), they compromise because they don’t want to end up the “old maid.”

9. Because you are getting older

The wheel of time just keeps turning, and one day life’s business has caught up. College degree has been obtained, career is secure, home is established, but along the way time was never taken to find a life partner and now age is creeping up. The fear of no one to share life with rises, of being alone in ones later years. So, join an online dating service, meet person after person, experience the torrent of emotional highs and lows, and marry from loneliness not love, only to find, though married, you are every bit as alone.

8. To advance your career

School is expensive, you can’t possibly both work to pay your way and make your grades – what to do? Get a spouse to put you through school. Or perhaps, your culture demands you marry into a certain family in order to advance your station or office. Motives such as these rarely bring happiness, but instead add untold heartache and stress.

7. To obtain citizenship

Over the years I have had a handful of patients who have married for this reason. Not once have they actually been happy. The spouse with US citizenship never felt truly secure. During the first few years, where divorce would have meant the non-US spouse would not have obtained citizenship there was fear and insecurity, doubt as to whether the marriage was for love, or other reasons. And once citizenship was obtained, divorce followed.

6. To improve finances

While there are certain financial advantages to marriage, marrying for finances is a bad idea. Many patients come to see me who have married a spouse of means, but they themselves have no way to support themselves. All too often the financially dependent spouse feels insecure, inferior, afraid, and if the financially well off spouse acts domineer or controlling, which frequently happens, the dependent spouse is generally too fearful to stand up for what is right and call the offending spouse to account. I have many patients who suffer from chronic depression because they are in marriages in which they are dominated and controlled but rather than leaving, or standing up to mistreatment, submissively stay because of the financial security the marriage provides.

5. To run away or escape a bad home

The sad reality is there are many dysfunctional homes in which children are mistreated, unloved, neglected. While seeking to escape such circumstances is reasonable, too often young people, in such situations, flee into impulsive marriages as a means of escape. The likelihood of such a marriage being healthy is very remote and typically the marriage is fraught with fear, insecurity, conflict and even abuse. All too often those who marry, as an escape, realize they have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.

4. To feel accepted, loved, or wanted

Feelings are powerful and healthy loving relationships will necessarily contain powerful, positive feelings of love, joy, peace, attraction, arousal, expectancy, and happiness. Yet, while healthy relationships will contain such feelings, such feelings are not evidence the relationship is healthy. Feelings are fleeting and transient, and relationships that are primarily feelings driven are generally unstable and unhealthy. Persons who seek relationships to feel accepted, loved, or wanted, are not seeking to find someone to love, but to find someone to love them. They are not seeking to give of self to love others, but are seeking to take emotional energy from others to sustain and support their own insecure and fearful selves. Such relationships are not love relationships, but dependency relationships and inevitably result in increased fear and insecurity over time.

3. Because of pregnancy

I have had many couples come to see me, often married for more than a decade, that suffer from chronic unresolved tension, insecurity, conflict, resentment and who tolerate each other but don’t really enjoy each other. As I explore the history some of these couples started out on very healthy ground, positive dating, loving affection, caring for each other, and both hearts longing for marriage, yet with engagement and marriage plans not yet made. Then, sadly, a pregnancy occurs and, out of obligation, or a sense of duty, because it is “the right thing” they marry. And the foundation of love is fractured and replaced by love crushing, freedom destroying, responsibility and obligation they must now endure. The pregnancy causes the couple to no longer experience their union as freely chosen, but as situationally forced upon them. Because love only grows in an atmosphere of freedom, as soon as their experience of togetherness is no longer freely chosen, but obligated by circumstances, love begins to die.

2. To have sex

Typically this only happens to the foolish, young and religiously rigid. But such a motive is not about loving another person, rather it is about gratifying self. Healthy marriages are built on other-centered love, so when a marriage is founded upon self-gratification, healthy love often fails to grow and the marriage devolves into each party seeking to get what they can from the other.

1. Because you have had sex and feel obligated or guilty

Perhaps this reason has contributed to more dysfunctional, unhappy, and miserable marriages than any other. From religiously pious homes young people are taught the value of abstinence until marriage, yet in our weakened humanity too many are overcome by the passion of heated moments. In the aftermath of such mistakes, a guilty conscience convicts and too many immature young people, as a way of avoiding their conscience, conclude “well in God’s eyes we are already married so if I marry the person It will make it okay.” And, sadly they pursue marriage, deluding themselves into believing it is love and God’s will they follow this course, a course established not by truth, not by principle, not by evidence, not by God’s leading, but by powerful sexual feelings and impulse, confounded by guilt and ignorance of God’s grace.

So, if you are single, and contemplating marriage, don’t fall into the pitfall of marrying for 10 of the worst reasons possible. As my mother used to say, two wrongs don’t make a right. Regardless of with what issues you struggle, what mistakes have been made, or what challenges you face, do not marry as a means to solve your problems. Instead, become the healthiest person, through God’s grace, you can become, and seek someone for your marriage partner with whom you find your greatest joy in loving, and who in turn loves you!

 

 

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Thank you and may God continue to bless you as you share with others the intricacies of how we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I must share that you have opened a whole new world to me, and I have found tremendous healing through what you have shared in two of your books, “Could It Be This Simple?” and “The God Shaped Brain.” I praise God for what you shared, what I have learned, and how I have grown and healed! My prayer is that My Precious Jesus will be seen by others in the way I live, act, talk, etc. and they may be encouraged to know He is truly a GREAT God of LOVE, desiring that no one should perish! God Bless you in your continued endeavors to present Him as He really is!

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Tammy Cinzio, Australia

 

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Just watched watched lesson 10 in the 1st quarter 2021 bible study classs on Isaiah. I want to thank you for your intellectual spirituality; it’s not an oxymoron! From the point of view of a teacher I also enjoy seeing how much personal pleasure you clearly take in not just tasting, but feasting on God’s word – it reminds me of Jeremiah not being able to hold it in! It makes me smile that your cup is so full and overflowing that you make it to Tuesday’s lesson (on a good day). It just goes to show the richness of God’s Word.

God bless the Come and Reason Team from our church here in Great Britain.

Andrew H., Great Britain

 

Testimony 37

Hearing Dr. Jennings’ presentations in person came at a pivotal moment in my spiritual journey that began about nine months ago, when the fault lines inherent in my belief system began to crack under questions that most reasonable people end up asking about God and His nature. These were questions I couldn’t find answers to, and they shook my faith. I was unable let it go any longer and be satisfied. My Christian experience became distant. I was afraid; the fear in me rose like thorns, pushing me away from Jesus. And then someone heard my questions and introduced me to this ministry, and my life has totally changed.

I can tell you that this new, “present truth” message is far grander and life-changing than when I shifted from being an agnostic and then a nominal Christian. It has radically altered my worldview, because it reveals a God that makes sense. It is a revolution. I believe that Dr. Jennings’ message is the final message that must go to the world. If any message could be called “righteousness by faith,” as abused as that term is by the right and the left, this is that message, because Jennings’ biblical message identifies a God who is different, whose character isn’t an impossible contradiction.

I walk this path now without fear. I see people differently, and the Holy Spirit burns in my heart. Many call Dr. Jennings’ message false and compromising, but it isn’t false, because I’ve seen the fruits within my mind and body. It is not compromising, because in this message is the only road to holiness that makes any sense. No longer do I behold a pagan god who is always angry and suspicious. Instead, I behold a God who is freeing and loving, always working for our good, and giving me every reason to love my enemy even to my own death, just as Jesus pleads with us. God is good.

Anthony L., CA, USA

 

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I just want to tell you how blessed I have been reading “The Remedy!” It has become a daily part of my devotional relationship with God. In it I have found a God of love and a God that loves me! The bible has come alive for me! It is the first time that I can say that I have felt hope fill my heart as I have read God’s word. This is good news I can share! Thank you, Dr Jennings! Thank you for your heart for others. I can’t put into words how this has set me free! It has strengthened my trust and love for God.

Jason H.

 

Testimony 72

I am blown away by the truth that you present. God’s Design Law makes so much sense! You have validated my impression that, if God is love, He would not kill those who don’t want to know him. If God gives us choice, then how can He destroy us if our choice is not to follow him. Thank you for opening my eyes and heart to the pure love of God seen through Jesus. The love I now have for Jesus is deeper and free from condemnation. My heart has been opened to love others as Jesus loves me. May God continue to bless your God-given insight into His word and your ministry. The truth has set me free!

H. Miller, Centereach, NY

Testimony 59

I’m a native Ghanan, but am currently in France for my master’s degree. Prior to this, during my final years at undergraduate studies in Ghana, I was introduced to your ministry and I’ve been immensely blessed by what you share, especially about the Design and Imposed Laws. God richly bless you for that.

One of the first things I did when I arrived in France was to buy all four of your books. They not only helped me, but those I shared them with. I shared the message with an atheist student and I marveled at how God worked mightily in his life. Today this person shares the Love of God with others and debunks theories of who God is not. I want to share what you present in your “Heavenly Sanctuary and Investigative Judgment” pamphlet, because the message brought rest to my soul and I live today as a healthy person.

God bless you so much and your ministry.

Michael A., Ghana

 

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I really enjoy with you the view of a gracious God. Thank you for sharing the work you are allowing the Lord to do in you.

L., Queensland, Australia

 

Testimony 67

I was introduced to Come And Reason by a friend of my mother-in-law, who gave me several CD’s of Dr. Jennings. The clarity of the message and recognition that God’s is a God of love was so clear, advancing beyond Dr. Maxwell’s message. However, grappled with Maxwell saying God used emergency measures for the fallen world. Now after several years of being a regular listener of the Come And Reasoning bible study class and attending Jennings’ meetings in Dallas/Fort Worth, TX, things are becoming clearer for me. Design law versus imposed law has added so much to my personal understanding of theology. This message has really impacted my work in counseling so many people miserable because they are searching for and trusting human governments to create order and peace or believing in a God who says love Me or I will kill you. I am grateful that I have an alternative view to offer my clients that makes sense. I teach a bible study class on a semi-regular basis and I value the materials that Come And Reason so freely offers to aid me in presenting this vital message. Thank you for continuing to provide advancement in our very limited understanding of a Infinite God that is rational and believable.

Dr. Roger D, Arlington, TX, USA

 

Testimony 49

I came into the church at 21, but that is as far as it went. I was so confused about what love is. I couldn’t find it in the bible, because I am not a person that can read between the lines. I have no logic. I have read many, many books; trying to figure out the crux of the matter. They were helpful, but something was still missing. I have become very frustrated to the point of crying out to God, “Where can I go?”  I needed some basics.

I found two books, written by Timothy Jennings, MD, to be very helpful. God showed me that I had lived my whole life in fear. I didn’t even see it. Now, I do. God is so good.  I discovered the “The Remedy”  Dr. Jennings new book, “The God-Shaped Heart!” Oh, I was so excited, I purchased them right away.

I can get rid of most of my books, because “The Remedy” brings the Love of God out so clearly, even I can’t miss it. Now, I want to sit and read my Bible. Wow, what a revelation! It is just simply Awesome! I am so grateful to Jehovah Almighty for hearing my prayer for more understanding! I am so encouraged!

Jackie S.

 

Testimony 38

Since November 2015, when I started studying Gods word from this God Is Love point of view, my life has been transformed. My troubled marriage of 15 years has been healed and my husband and I are truly happy for the first time in 15 years. Now When I read the word of God I understand it so much better and I can’t help but see Gods love radiating through the pages to humanity. Gods word is living and active and I am blessed beyond measure to be having this amazing experience. God has given me a beautiful understanding of Jn 3:16 that amazes me more and more each day. Thank you again for your ministry.

Helen D., London, England

 

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I have been following your Bible study class for about a year now. I must say I am impressed with how your ministry has grown. I took it upon myself to listen to all your lesson podcasts from the past and they have both enriched me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have learnt a lot from this class. I have also noticed how the class has grown in spiritual strength. One of the things that benefited me is that now I am not afraid of God. I use to be, but now it has melted away. The second thing is that you helped me to have a real life relationship with God. Now He is my friend that was always there and I love having him with me all the time. Thirdly, because of this class, it inspired me to take over and lead a class. I have called it “Let Us Reason Together,” adapting your inquisitive style and creating a class of free thinkers.

T. Banda, Malawi, Africa

 

Testimony 16

Your seminars are still inspiring and changing our lives and we continue to share the principles we have learned from you. Your ministry has changed our lives!

E.W.

 

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I just want to say thank you so much for your conversations via YouTube. I regularly tune in to your lectures, “Let’s Talk” sessions, and many others. Through these I’ve found greater depth and meaning to God’s word. Thanks for all that you do and please continue. I’m currently working in the middle of Silicon Valley at Stanford University. I feel like God really has me in the right place right now and I’m sensing that your teachings might be part of it.

B. F., Silicon Valley, CA, USA

 

Testimony 66

I am incredibly grateful for the transformative impact you’ve had on my life, and words cannot fully express my appreciation. Over the years, I have been an avid listener and follower of C&R and extend my heartfelt thanks for creating the C&R mobile app. It has allowed me to immerse myself in your lessons repeatedly, enabling me to grasp the profound significance about the Character of God, Design Law, the protocols for life, the reasons behind the current chaos, and Christ’s mission to restore everything. They have deeply touched me. Having studied with various churches, I came away with the perception that God is no different from the deities of ancient Greek or Roman mythology—demanding sacrifices and taking pleasure in bloodshed. Thanks to your transformative teachings, I have experienced a profound awakening to the true nature of God and the immense power of His love. It is truly a remarkable and liberating sensation to finally grasp the truth and embrace the empowering nature of God’s laws. My self-perception has become brighter and more infused with love. My journey of growth continues on a daily basis.

Chris P., Lake Mary, FL, USA