Call Us: 423 661-4734 | Email: requests@comeandreason.com      
Codependency: What It Is—And How to Break Free

Codependency: What It Is—And How to Break Free

Codependency, or dependency, is an unhealthy relationship structure in which strong feelings of attraction are mistaken for true love. The underlying motivating energy that drives and sustains dependency relationships is the exact opposite of love; it is fear—fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of inadequacy, fear of not being loved, fear of being alone, fear of being bad, fear of punishment, fear of condemnation, and the myriad other forms that fear takes. Such fear causes internal insecurity, a feeling of terror, dread, and doubt, which is often accompanied by guilt and shame.

For the dependent person, the internal sense of self is typically formed from imagined or perceived flaws, and any actual shortcomings are markedly inflated and distorted by the fear into crushing doubts and a warped sense of individuality—one marked by the foreboding feeling of certain rejection if others ever saw them in the same way they feel about themselves. “If people knew me, they would hate me; I don’t deserve to be loved; I am not as good as others,” etc.

The fear and distorted sense of self cause feelings of desperation, a crushing sense of failure, which demands that action be taken to relieve the emotional burden. The internal self-condemnation and sense of inadequacy can be momentarily relieved when one experiences acceptance, validation, or approval from another. The experience of perceiving oneself to be loved, valued, and appreciated provides an emotional counterbalance to the sinking feelings of inadequacy.

However, for the dependent person, this external validation becomes an internal emotional counterweight upon which they depend for their internal sense of wholeness and peace. That is, they need someone else to make them feel whole, complete, worthwhile, acceptable, and secure in themselves as a person.

Trapped in the Cycle

Yet even though other people’s approval makes them feel better about themselves (in that moment), because no objective change has happened in the heart, mind, or attitude of the dependent person about themselves, they don’t actually believe they are worthy of the affection they are receiving and fear it is only a matter of time before they will be “found out,” rejected, and lose the affirmation they so desire. Thus, they live, instead of in other-centered love, in fear of losing that which they desperately need.

Such a state of mind leads to interpreting innocent events as threats—a spouse comes home late, and suspicion arises that they were with another, more lovable person; a comment is made about not enjoying a certain dish, which is interpreted as “I can’t do anything right.” This leads to external monitoring, attempts to control, accusations, and criticisms, all based on fear of loss rather than love for the other.

Further, the person with this internal sense of inadequacy doesn’t believe that truly mature, healthy people will find them attractive, so being around such people increases their sense of anxiety and fear of rejection; thus, they gravitate toward and prefer people struggling with similar emotional problems, which causes the codependent parties to inflame the fears and wounds in one another rather than help each other heal.

If you had been living in the woods for weeks and were unwashed, unshaven, and wearing dirty clothes, whom would you feel more comfortable associating with? A typical church crowd, doctors at a renowned medical convention, patrons at a nice restaurant, or homeless drug addicts living in a tent city? In a similar manner, those who have formed a sense of self that is viewed as less than others will actively avoid emotionally healthy people and, instead, seek to form relationships with people struggling with similar problems, which leads to the very common codependent relationship.

Repeated Self-Destruction

Let me be clear: People struggling with dependency or who are in codependent relationships are not “evil” people; they are not “bad” people. They are hurting, wounded, struggling people, and in my experience, they often are some of the best people in heart, people who desperately long to be good, healthy, happy, and free—people who want to be successful and to be bastions of strength for their families and communities, but who struggle to achieve that outcome simply because of unhealed emotional wounds.

The codependent relationship is a result of the emotional woundedness impacting and directing their choices in how they connect and relate to people. The decisions of a dependent person are primarily made out of fear rather than other-centered love; thus, decisions are made in regard to what they think the other person will think of them, how the other person will respond, how the other person will feel, rather than what is objectively right, healthy, and reasonable in their governance of self.

This kind of decision-making moves the motive for making choices away from one’s own judgment, from what one determines would actually be best in any given situation, to their perception of what another person would be most pleased with or least disappointed with, regardless of what is actually healthiest or best.

For instance, a codependent person might determine that it is healthy and reasonable to say yes to an invitation to attend a Bible study one evening after work. But rather than saying yes, they say no because of the fear that their significant other will be mad at them if they do. The fear of the other person’s response overrules their own judgment—and the emotional need not to be rejected or devalued by their partner, and the need to keep the partner happy, is more important to them than doing what their own judgment determines is best. This is ultimately driven by fear, the fear of losing the support, affection, and affirmation of the one they emotionally depend upon.

Unfortunately, this type of decision-making worsens the individual who makes such decisions. Why? When we make a choice to go against our own good judgment for ourselves, our judgment makes a new judgment that says about oneself, “You’re weak! You’re a coward! You’re spineless! You make me sick!” And, as a result, one’s self-esteem falls further, making one feel even more certain that they are less than others—thus, they need greater external approval to offset their increasing internal condemnation and they fear external disapproval even more, making them more likely to give in to the wishes of the other person, perpetuating the dependency cycle.

This process persists in codependent relationships because one’s internal wholeness, peace with self, and well-being don’t come from a healthy relationship with Jesus Christ, from knowing the truth of one’s worth as a child of God, from developing within oneself an internal healthy self-judgment, or from the experience of actually choosing to do what one determines, in their own judgment, is best, but, instead, one’s internal sense of self comes from the validation and approval of others.

The thought of losing that external validation is experienced as terrifying—as if one is going to die.

Imagine the case of a navy diver, the old-fashioned type depicted in the movie Men of Honor starring Cuba Gooding, Jr., and Robert DeNiro. In that movie, they wore suits with air lines to the surface where pumps delivered air to the divers below. If you were one of those men, you would be dependent on those on the surface for your air. Should someone on the surface tell you to stand on one foot or they would cut off your air, what would you do? And if you wanted to go to the right, but the ship turned to the left, what choice would you have? It parallels the situation in a dependent relationship, in which true freedom does not exist. But because the need is so great, intense feelings get associated with the one toward whom the dependence is directed.

Imagine yourself drowning underwater and then someone brings you an air line. Would you value that person? Would you have intense feelings for the individual? Would you want to hold on to him or her? And how would it feel if he or she decided to leave and take the air line with them?

Individuals can become so dependent on the emotional support from those on whom they rely that they experience the threat of losing their source of nurturance with the same fear and anxiety that divers would if someone threatened to cut their air off. It feels as if they are going to die. Because their anxiety is so intense, persons in dependent relationships go to extremes and take desperate measures to prove their “love” to the ones on whom they depend in order to convince them to stay. And if the proclamations of affection don’t get returned, often the dependent persons will threaten harm to themselves or even those on whom they cling—all designed to retain control of the needed person. [1]

The Need for Healing

There is healing for people who struggle with dependency relationships, but the first steps are realizing that one is struggling with dependency and differentiating those emotions from healthy love.

A simple test to determine if your relationship is a healthy love relationship—in which flawed people are applying godly principles to help one another overcome their shortcomings and to mature and grow versus a dependency relationship in which partners are only causing each other more emotional wounds—is to look at the list that I have included below. Take each item and ask yourself, “Over the course of this relationship, compared to where I was when I entered this relationship, where am I today? Am I healthier or, in fact, getting worse?”

Put a checkmark next to the appropriate statement in each column. Then look at the total number of checkmarks for each column; if the vast majority are on the dependency side, then it is highly likely that you are in a relationship governed by fear and insecurity rather than love.

The Test: Since being in this relationship:

Love Relationship. Dependency Relationship.
   
___ I am emotionally and mentally healthier. ___ I am emotionally and mentally unhealthier.
___ I have greater freedom to be me. ___ I have less freedom to be me.
___ I worry less about my partner’s attitude toward me. ___ I worry more about my partner’s attitude toward me.
___ I give to bring joy to my partner. ___ I give to make my partner happy with me.
___ I have much less worry and fear. ___ I have more worry and fear.
___ The relationship is stable. ___ The relationship is unstable.
___ I do most things because it is best. ___ I do most things because it feels best.
___ I am honest with myself and my partner. ___ I shade the truth to avoid conflict.
___ I am more patient. ___ I am more impatient.
___ We rarely bring up past mistakes. ___ We keep score of past wrongs.

 

If you find yourself in a codependent relationship, don’t be discouraged; in fact, be encouraged that you have just taken the first step toward health and wellness, which is recognizing and admitting the truth, realizing a problem exists, and now, with that awareness, you can make choices to heal, change, and overcome!

Steps to Breaking the Dependency Cycle

If you are in a dependency cycle, consider the following simple steps to deal with the fear and insecurity that dominate your decision-making:

Step 1: Go to Jesus, right now, and tell Him about your fears, heartaches, wounds, doubts, and insecurities. He already knows them, but He cannot fix your heart without your engagement, permission, and cooperation. So, go to Him and tell Him all about your struggles. Ask Him to become your source of love, validation, comfort, and strength. Accept His offer to be your Friend, Comforter, Counselor, Savior, and Healer. He longs to pour His love into your heart (Romans 5:5). Repeat this step at the beginning of every day and any time you are feeling lonely and afraid.

Step 2: Choose to love truth above all things, especially feelings. Jesus said, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). If we want to get well, to heal, we must be truthful with ourselves about our situation. First, start with the truth of who you are—a child of God, wounded to be sure, but highly prized, one whom Jesus can heal and restore if you let Him.

But also recognize this truth: Once there is brokenness, woundedness, or injury of any kind—there are no pain-free options! The only options we have after we are wounded are to heal or not heal, but the path of healing, whether setting a bone, cleaning dirt out of an abrasion, or resolving trauma issues, is accompanied by pain and discomfort. If we choose only that which hurts the least and feels the best in the moment, then we persistently choose to avoid healing and things will get worse. Refocus your mind and base your choice on the truth: “I have wounds, and my wounds can be healed, but only if I stop running from the discomfort, stand my ground, and apply the truth to my life.”

If you are confused and don’t know how to address the problems to bring healing, then seek professional help. Just as none of us would try to set a broken bone by ourselves, but would seek the help of an orthopedic surgeon, likewise, seek professional Christian counseling for your broken heart!

Step 3: Recognize that feelings can lie. Just because something hurts doesn’t mean it is harmful. Look past the feeling to understand why that feeling is there. Is the pain being caused by cleaning dirt out of a wound, setting a bone, or going to therapy? Then recognize the feelings are the legitimate discomfort that comes from resolving wounds and don’t conclude that because it feels bad, it is bad. Feelings must be understood in the light of objective truth!

Step 4: Apply the truth: When the feeling of fear arises—the fear of rejection, insecurity, or the internal discomfort that comes when the person you are currently emotionally dependent upon is upset with you—at that very moment, inside your own head, say: “STOP! What is the truth? Am I doing what is unhealthy, wrong, unreasonable, or am I doing what is right, healthy, and reasonable in governance of myself but my partner doesn’t like it?” If the answer is the latter, then apply step 5.

Step 5: Set the other person free to respond in any way they choose. Inside your own heart and mind say, “I give my partner freedom to be mad if they need to be mad, to pout if they need to pout, to shout, rage, slam doors, and get upset if that is the only way they can cope in this moment. I do not give myself the freedom to choose evil or change my actions simply because the person I love doesn’t like my choice. If they want me to make a different choice, I eagerly invite their ideas, rationale, evidence, and perspective to persuade me to a more rational, healthy, and mature decision—but I will no longer make decisions in the governance of myself based on how another person feels or responds.” And when you set the other person free to have any response they choose, you have just set yourself free from their control over you! (If the other person becomes physically violent, do what is right and healthy: get away and call the police.)

Step 6: Differentiate imagination from reality. Don’t allow your imagination to create fantasy futures that don’t exist and then react to those imagined fears. Instead, govern your imagination to plan your actions based on what is objectively true, right, reasonable, and healthy.

Step 7: Define what is actually yours to choose, govern, or control—and let go of that which is not. And what is always yours to choose, govern, and control is yourself, your beliefs, your boundaries, your attitudes, your actions, but you are never in control of what other people think, feel, or how they respond. Learning to set others free will free you from the burden of worrying about their responses and attitudes toward you.

Step 8: Recognize that your partner’s response informs you about them. Incorporate that information into an ever-expanding assessment of reality, of who you are dealing with, and then respond by applying that truth in your own decision-making in the governance of self. Set new boundaries by not taking the blame for another’s shortcomings but allowing others to hold responsibility for themselves.

If you have struggled with dependency relationships, don’t be discouraged! I encourage you to experience hope and healing by applying God’s methods and principles of truth, altruistic love, and freedom to your life.

And if you or someone you love is struggling with dependency problems and you have tried self-help solutions, outpatient counseling, or other interventions yet things are not improving, and you would like an intensive, Christ-centered holistic treatment program, consider Honey Lake Clinic as a therapeutic option.

Honey Lake Clinic is a holistic residential treatment center in which we help people identify and resolve the underlying fears, insecurities, and traumas that contribute to dependency attachments. We treat the whole person—mind, body, and spirit—with proven, reality-based interventions that help people experience restoration to wellness—to harmony with the laws of health, the protocols upon which God has built life to exist and operate.


[1] Jennings, Timothy, Could It Be This Simple? A Biblical Model for Healing the Mind, Lennox Publishing, 2010, p. 70.

 

Email me the blog whenever a new one is published.

Donate online, securely via PayPal using your credit or debit card (no PayPal account needed, unless you want to set up a monthly, recurring payment).


cancel recurring payment

 

Want to use zelle instead?
See how on our
Support and Donations page.

Upcoming Events

calendar

Testimonial Post Slider

Testimony 28

I have been following your Bible study class for about a year now. I must say I am impressed with how your ministry has grown. I took it upon myself to listen to all your lesson podcasts from the past and they have both enriched me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have learnt a lot from this class. I have also noticed how the class has grown in spiritual strength. One of the things that benefited me is that now I am not afraid of God. I use to be, but now it has melted away. The second thing is that you helped me to have a real life relationship with God. Now He is my friend that was always there and I love having him with me all the time. Thirdly, because of this class, it inspired me to take over and lead a class. I have called it “Let Us Reason Together,” adapting your inquisitive style and creating a class of free thinkers.

T. Banda, Malawi, Africa

 

Testimony 30

God lead me to your book “The God-Shaped Brain” while I was searching for another book about the brain and then to your interview about your book on HeartWise Ministries [where] I found out about [Come And Reason Ministries]. I’m now devouring the webcasts of your Bible studies. I have been so greatly blessed and I thank God so much for your courage to speak the Truth in love no matter what. Listening to you contrast the two opposing systems (laws) and digging deep to unearth the hidden treasures in the Bible makes me so incredibly happy and I feel very blessed to be part of your Bible Study Group although I live far away. I am just so excited that there is a group of people that is spreading the Truth about the character of God and it saddens me how few realize what our Father in Heaven is really like.

Kessy B., Australia

 

Testimony 54

I had a lot of pressure, as a pastor’s kid, to conform and be “good.” I was good at being “good.” I thought my life was going along well until it all started falling apart and I could not figure out why! In my search for “why is this happening to me, God?” I came across your book, “Could it be this Simple,” and God started revealing to me the many distortions I held about His character, His principles, and how He has designed His universe to operate. I remember thinking, “Wow, I have had this all backwards.” I was happy and angry all at the same time. Happy to have the light of truth break through the darkness, revealing a wonderful, beautiful way of understanding God and His plan for His children, and angry, because I felt deceived and cheated by the church, my family, and myself!

My heart thrills when I listen to your bible study lessons. Literally I have gone from death to life. It is a journey I look forward to every day, as God reveals areas this distortion affects. Praise GOD! I will ever be grateful to God for this ministry and your cooperation with the Spirit!

Karen S., Portal, AZ, USA

 

Testimony 26

Your teachings about our heavenly Father have changed my life. Thank you sooooooo very very much! I know He’s doing some serious healing in my heart and life and I look forward to each new day to learn something new about Him and to just hear you speak about Him. Thank you, forever.

Nancy S.

 

Testimony 8

Thank you for the ministry you are sharing with us, it is a real blessing to us and especially to my husband and myself! You are encouraging us to think for ourselves and not just to except everything, without thinking it through, with God’s word!

M.K., USA

 

Testimony 50

After coming into contact with Come And Reason Ministries, I can finally say that many of my unanswered questions have fallen into place. I discovered that my view of God’s Law was “imposed laws and rules” with “imposed punishments” and that this was the major culprit of my many unanswered questions. Thanks be to God for using you and those around you to help us who have struggled with this “infection” of thought. I have now rejected the “imposed law” concept to fully embrace “Design Law”… to look thru “Design Law,” instead of “imposed law,” is a relief.

Viliami L., Australia

 

Testimony 40

I was brought up in a different faith and have been petrified my whole life of God. I believed that I would burn in hell for eternity. When I was 12 I started pursuing the things of this world, but for the next 45 years the Spirit was always calling me, as I knew there was a God through nature. I could see the vast sea of stars in the universe and knew there was something bigger out there. Five years ago, through a Revelation seminar, I was blessed to learn about God’s character and government.

Then I found Come and Reason Ministries and have come under some extreme pressure when I speak about the ministry. One time a member sent me an internet article titled “Whats wrong with Tim Jennings?” I asked her what she thought of it and she said “I don’t know, I didn’t read it.”

I have always wanted to find out for myself the truth about God, so I stayed with the Design Law construct and have been liberated to understand the big picture. Once we consider Design Law, all other Bible stories and prophecies seem to fit perfectly. It is truly beautiful to see people grasping how God operates this Universe of Love and the liberation it has provided in their lives. It blows my mind to see how consistent Design law is with what our founders believed. I hear statements like “This makes so much sense.”

Tom W., Mt. Pleasant, MI, USA

 

Testimony 68

Your message of design law vs imperial law is so uplifting and makes so much sense- it is a game changer for me. The fact that Jesus’s death is not a big payment by an angry God is , quite frankly, a relief.

Laura G., London, Ontario, Canada

 

Testimony 53

I was so blessed by a friend who gave me your book, “The God Shaped Brain,” while I was sitting in church asking God to please help me learn more about Him and help me not to be so confused and scared. That was about 2 years ago. Your books have helped me to love God even more. I’m not confused or scared anymore! I have listened to all of your bible study classes and feel like I know the wonderful people that attend every week. Thank you for all that you’re doing in spreading the true message about God and His law of love. God bless you and your whole class.

Elssy P., Modesto, CA, USA

 

Testimony 24

I wanted to thank you very much for presenting your understanding of God. I’ve always been troubled by this question: Why did Jesus have to die? Since my conversion I understood that The Father & Jesus are one, I did not have issues with that. But was there not any other way to save us than for Jesus to die? I guess I actually had a question about God – if He is so wise, how come He did not find another way? I did not see the real ‘beauty’  in the cross. Only when you explained the picture in the medical context, Jesus providing medicine for my selfishness, have I started to finally ‘see the light’. Thank you so much. Your seminar, “Healing the Mind,” are absolutely marvelous & have shared them with my family and many other people, including colleagues at work. Thanks, thanks, thanks. May God bless you abundantly in your ministry.

M. W., Australia

 

Testimony 70

I have been watching you for many years and have learned to love God with all my heart. I was raised by a loving Christian mother that had been lied to about who God really was, so our religious upbringing was hell fire and damnation. As soon as I was old enough and moved out, I not only left the church, I ran as fast as I could to get away from it. Sad to say, it wasn’t until the past couple of years that I learned and understand who my Father really is and how much He loves me. I understand God’s Design Laws (which make sense) and when I’m teaching my church Bible study class, I’m able to really put to use the things I’ve been learning and Holy Spirit is leading. Thank you for introducing me to my Father of true, pure love. Everyday with Him is new and exciting. One thing that breaks my heart is that I didn’t know Him sooner. God Bless you and your ministry!

Judy Phelps, Reno, NV, USA

Testimony 16

Your seminars are still inspiring and changing our lives and we continue to share the principles we have learned from you. Your ministry has changed our lives!

E.W.

 

Testimony 66

I am incredibly grateful for the transformative impact you’ve had on my life, and words cannot fully express my appreciation. Over the years, I have been an avid listener and follower of C&R and extend my heartfelt thanks for creating the C&R mobile app. It has allowed me to immerse myself in your lessons repeatedly, enabling me to grasp the profound significance about the Character of God, Design Law, the protocols for life, the reasons behind the current chaos, and Christ’s mission to restore everything. They have deeply touched me. Having studied with various churches, I came away with the perception that God is no different from the deities of ancient Greek or Roman mythology—demanding sacrifices and taking pleasure in bloodshed. Thanks to your transformative teachings, I have experienced a profound awakening to the true nature of God and the immense power of His love. It is truly a remarkable and liberating sensation to finally grasp the truth and embrace the empowering nature of God’s laws. My self-perception has become brighter and more infused with love. My journey of growth continues on a daily basis.

Chris P., Lake Mary, FL, USA

 

Testimony 58

I have been watching your videos in The Power of Love seminar and I must say these have liberated me and have improved my relationship with the Lord. I am no longer terrified of him as I was before following your teachings.

Thando N., South Africa

 

Testimony 7

Ok, so last night I listened to “The Law of Liberty” and “How to Achieve Victory: Freedom, Truth and Spirtual Warfare.” These are both MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITES so far! The logic is just soooooo beautiful. I had to re-listen to them a couple of times. I just want to EXPLODE! (<< we assume with joy and happiness)

N. B., Canada